Random Ramblings of a confused Bong

Lokntsc bill

2011-04-07T19:06:00.005-04:00

I really do not get what the fuss is all about with the recent Anti-corruption thingy going on back at home. Passing the Lokpal bill won't solve anything in the long run. Are you outraging at the politicians or are you outraging at the corruption inherent in Indian and in general sub continental society? Fasting to pass an archaic bill? Is that what it's all about? Or do people really want to fight corruption?
This is strictly my views on corruption and how to, at least in parts, decrease it in Indian society. According to me (A dude who has no idea about socio blah blah blah blah and the struggle of the blah blah blah) proper education is the only way to solve the problem partly. Outrage against the archaic education system. Educating youngsters in the grass root level is the only way this will work.
As with everything in India, this whole social networking revolution is a complete knee-jerk reaction. Go support Mr. Hazare if you truly believe in his cause. Go support if you truly believe that the Lokpal bill will solve the ugly issue of corruption. Do not go and support because you think it's the hip thing to do. Do not go because the media is guilt tripping you into thinking that you are not fit to be the youth of today if you don't outrage. Do not go because of peer pressure when you hear someone say: "OMG! That 73 year old man can do it, why can't we? Protest. Outrage. WAAAAAAGH" (da red wunz go fasta!) Don't go on sporting "Mera mantri chaalis chor main se ek hai" or something on arms because some celebrity thinks it's cool. It's turning into the great Indian circus with Bollywood pseudo-activists coming into the play. The Media has a new story after the World Cup win. Every celebrity is going: "Support! Support i say!". The very next day they maybe have a oh so expensive luncheon with your favorite corrupt minister. Don't go on candle light marches (as @tantanoo said the other day, the only thing it might be doing is supporting the wax industry) like meaningless drones because that will be like.. you know.. like.. the correct thing to do.. like you know... support that poor man who is fasting... like.. If you are outraged by corruption, then don't just be outraged till the bill is passed, be continuously outraged. Be outraged when you see someone accepting a dowry for marriage (In my mind, that is still corruption) or wait.. is that okay because it's like ancient Indian ritual?
So all i want to say is, be outraged, but be outraged knowing why you are outraging against (as people in twitter would say #meta). Meanwhile i shall outrage against the gloriously difficult exam due tomorrow and like most outrages is in the world be politely told to shove it.

Disclaimer: This outrage was done by a Grad student in USA, so there is your first salvo ye. trolls, you can claim I am a product of capitalist greed who has forsaken his country in a time when it needs youth etc etc etc.

Also These are my views. You are bound to disagree. If you do, well, good for you. If you don't, hi5 brother!

Winning that has nothing to do with Charlie Sheen

2011-04-03T16:55:00.005-04:00

It's still sinking in. After a day and a half. We won. WE WON!

To support the Indian cricket team has been a journey. A journey filled with disappointments, joys and overwhelming moments which made me proud of my nation's team. But nothing, nothing the Indian cricket team has done in my lifetime made me feel proud as an Indian before. I can safely say, now, miles away from Indian soil, Fuck yeah I am proud to be an Indian.

Whoops of joy. Silent man tears. Manly man hugs went around in an apartment at Ann Arbor. We won. As you can clearly see by now, what I am writing has no structure. In a glorious few days i have completely forgotten what was taught from Wren and Martin on how to write a composition. I have an exam coming up, a presentation to prepare for, yet i don't want to do anything. I have to decide the course my thesis will take and talk to my advisor tomorrow. Yet i don't want to do that. I want to scream "We won! We won! We won!". I want to go and scream "We won!" at the faces of a group of ABCDs who were dissing the game of cricket and India's obsession with it sometime back. Everything has been vindicated. Waking up at 5 in the morning. Days of sleeplessness. Missing labs. Everything was worth it.

I know there are some Cricket hating fans back home who are going "Bleh. So much hype. Nothing will ever come out of this. It's a sport, get over it etc.. etc..". To them I say, "WE WON MOTHERFUCKERS! WE WON!"

This team symbolizes the very idea of India. No religious divide. No caste divide. No class divide. A place where an ordinary railway ticket collector can go on and lead the nation in a game taught to us by people we fought for our independence against. And Win. To quote W.H :

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Allow the dog to bark with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with the sound of the victory drum,
Bring out the cup, let the victors come.

Let aeroplanes circle celebrating overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message We have winneth.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear blue cotton gloves.

In the North, the South, the East and the West,
In the week and Sunday rest,
In the noon, in the midnight, in a talk,in a song;
Celebrate this victory and come in a throng. (or wear a thong)

The stars are shining brighter now; see how they shine every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the tears and hide your morning wood;
For everything in this world (or atleast this country) temporarily is good.

(That might be the most terrible poem ever written after Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex)

Did I mention: WE WON?

Where did Moonmoon sen come from?

2011-03-05T20:33:00.002-05:00

*cue meesic*

Welcome to the greatest news show on ZZ9 Plural Z-Alpha, Farce the nation, I am your host Arnoob. Today we discuss a serious issue that has sent shockwaves across several dimension. If you are thinking about the G-string scam in India, no, it's not that. If you are thinking it's Charlie Win snorting 3 Litres of coke from the belly of Shakila, no, it's not that either. It's much more serious. Recently one of the most revered human beings in this planet raised a question: "Where did Moonmoon Sen come from? Hunh? You can't explain that". This question has stumped the world's greatest thinkers. The world has gone into chaos after Richard Rockins reportedly said: "Who the hell is Moonmoon Sen?" Well to answer the people of this world, we have in our studio the suspected creator of Moonmoon sen, the moon and the earth and all that, The one God. Welcome back God.

G-man: It's a pleasure to be back Arnoob

Arnoob: Now, first things first. Have you heard what Bill o'rightsy has said on Vixen news?

G-man: Yes.

Arnoob: The question posed by O'rightsy has stumped many, including the Shane Watson, amateur cricketer and full time supercomputer 0n Leopardy. Some say only you have the answer to this question. So what is it?

G-man: Frankly Arnoob, i cannot answer that at this point. You see, it's all part of a divine plan I have created. I cannot divulge details about this master plan, lest my Brother who art in hell foils it.

Arnoob: But we were on the phone with Lucifer, and he confirmed that he knew about the plan, but wouldn't divulge it if you didn't.

G-man: Wait. What do you mean he knows? *thunder, lightning and all the sound effects associated with Pran abandoning his kids and one of the kids finding his way to the door of a Don Bosco church*

Arnoob: Yes. In fact we can call him now on this show to confirm that. *phone rings*

Satan: Hell-o?

Arnoob: Oh Satanic lord, this your minion Arnoob. I have God in the studio with me.

G-man: Dude. What up?

Satan: Woah G-man. Long time. Nothing special. Hanging out with Arjun Singh man. Reminiscing the good times.

G-man: Very nice. Dude... what do you mean you know what my master plan is?

Satan: Doesn't everybody?

G-man: Not the Vatican.

Satan: Wait. Your own people don't know what the master plan is?

G-man: It's meant to be a secret.

Satan: Like the apple?

G-man: Erm... yes.. kinda like that.

Satan: Dude. Listen. Everyone knows that the your master plans for all humans in this planet is for them to design the ultimate iPad, the iPad 420. After discovering the design of the iPad 420, human beings will simultaneously explode realizing the futility of said design.

G-man: Abeyaar! You just said that on national television.

Arnoob: Wait. So you are telling me that somehow Moonmoon Sen is going to design this final iPad and we will all simultaneously explode after that?

G-man: No comments

Arnoob: Well folks. There you have it. God reveals his master plan for mortals and simultaneously answers Bill o'rightsy's ultimate question. Tune in next week when we discuss the newly brewing Parle-G scam and the G-spot scam.

Games in Hell

2010-11-16T23:11:00.000-05:00

*que music* Hello and welcome to notverygoodnewshour, i am your host Arnoob Goswamhit! Today we will be discussing a very serious topic. Scams. There are a lot of scams going on and men are making a lot of money from these scams. But the scam that has shocked the world after the Commonwealth games, the 2G scam, the ParleG and the G-spot scam is the latest reports coming in from Hell is that Satan has taken part in a multibillion trollar Interdimensional games scam. For more details we go directly to Satan.
Welcome to the show Lucifer.

Satan: Pleasure to be on your show.

Arnoob: let's cut directly to the chase Mr. Satan. Allegations have been made by the Archangels inspecting the site of the Interdimensional games that the arrangements were shabby and the toilets had remnants of Hellfire all around. Further allegations of Hell-hounds running all over. How do you answer these allegations?

Satan: First of all let me be clear Arnoob. The games were a success. Did you see the opening ceremony? Let's face it. Anything is better than the IPL ceremonies right? On the allegations of hell hounds running around, let me explain. You know what the hell hounds were originally created for? To bring the souls of musicians who had signed deals with me to give them talent. Those were the good days of Robert Johnson. The only unsuccessful mission so far is Keith Richards but that is another story. But now? Do you see talent anywhere? Justin Bieber, Himesh Reshamiya. No one signs deals anymore and the hounds have nothing to do. I can't send them to pound or cull them, People for ethical treatment of transdimensional canines have already complained. So i allow them to roam free.

Arnoob: One of the archangels, Gabriel Vuvuzela, has complained about snakes. How do you explain that?

Satan: Well you see. Ever since the Garden of Eden incident, Snake has nothing to do. Yes. It did have a starring role in Snakes on an Interdimensional plane, but Samuel L Jackson got the motherfucking snake off the motherfucking interdimensional plane. So he supervised the building of the games village.

Arnoob: But what about the millions of trollars you have made? Wait. We have someone on the line. Hello Miss Troy. you are now on notverygoodnewshour what do you say about the Interdimensional games scam?

Troy: This is what i was talking about Arnoob, I have sat with the people of hell, I have seen the children of hell play, i have seen streams flow, i have seen everything. I hear their cry. They cry for independence. Independence from a flawed system. Democracy has failed. Capitalism has reared it's ugly head in the beautiful land that is hell.

Satan: Errrr. I will have what she is smoking?

Troy: You villainous cur. You *enter complex english word which normal people look up in the dictionary*. Have you listened to laughter of Children? DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER LAUGHTER? *rambles on* *line gets cut*

Satan: What the fuck is *enter complex english word which normal people look up in the dictionary*?

Arnoob: I have no idea. And now we have another caller on line, yes?

Dude: DUDE! HAVE YOU SEEN INCEPTION? BHENCHOOD KYA MOVIE HAI YAAR!

Satan: Who is this?

Dude: ABEYAAR I AM YAAR!

Satan: Go listen to Summer of 69

Arnoob: *cuts line*

Arnoob: Okay. Still. the scam. Explain the money?

Satan: OKAY OKAY. I MADE SOME MONEY OF THE GAMES. YOU KNOW WHY? I MADE A BET WITH GOD! HE SAID THAT I CANNOT PULL OFF A SCAM LIKE RAJA AND KALMADI. ME.

Arnoob: What would happen if you lose the bet?

Satan: That i would take part in Big God 4 with Ram, He who should not be named and the great khali.

Arnoob: That truly is torture.

Satan: Isn't it? And i think I am still running short on scam money

Arnoob: Truly sad. We hope you will give exclusive access to juicy Big God 4 happenings. Thank you satan

Satan: Thank you Arnoob

Arnoob: So that was Satan. Now we go back to our coverage of the president of Uganda and his presidential visit. Sources say that he is one of the actors in the hit movie Who killed captain Alex? Stay tuned.

The end

Heavenly Interview.

2010-06-03T08:20:00.000-04:00

A theme which sounds suspiciously like the Imperial March (Darth Vader's theme for all ye Star Wars n00bs) plays followed by the logo of the Times Not Now (TNN) news channel. The chief editor of TNN and overall Commander in Chief of the Indian Armed Forces and also the Chief Justice of India, Arnoob presents the Not News Hour.

Arnoob: Welcome to this very special edition of Not News Hour. Today we are going to discuss a serious issue plaguing modern day Indian society: Gotra and Caste in love. Now today we are going to discuss possibly the first case in history.The accused have tried to cover it up for centuries but the hard working crew at TNN through serious investigative journalism has found out the truth behind the cover-up. We bring you the shocking story: "Were Adam and Eve thrown out of the Garden of Eden because they were from different Gotras?" Joining us today in the studio for the first time, please give a warm welcome for God.

G-man: Thank you Arnoob. It's a pleasure to be...

Arnoob: Yes. Forget the pleasantries. Serious questions are being raised about the legitimacy of your claims that Adam and Eve were thrown out of the garden because they ate the forbidden fruit. Many people have claimed that you have thrown out Adam and Eve and ostracized them for being from two different Gotras, the Dust and the rib gotra.

G-man: Absolutely not. Do I have to repeat the story of Genesis again? it is well documented you know?

Arnoob: *points his pen at God* But our team has found out a different story. Ladies and gentleman, let us hear what the Snake has to tell about his version.

[Video Playback]

Snake: Look man. I am a common snake. I was wandering around the garden looking for some mice. I was passing by the apple tree when I saw God appear. God was like: "I am appalled at your romance in spite of being from different Gotras. I shall smite you now foolish children". After that i got out of Eden before he found me. And then when i came back home, i found out that my name has been tarnished by God here. I told them to eat the fruit? Bollocks. My image was completely ruined. I had to do Jaani Dushman for God's sake to try and improve my image. So i said: The truth must come out. I contacted the TNN team.

[End Playback]

G-man: Lies. Blatant lies.

Arnoob: Maybe. But we asked this questions to various prominent personalities. Here's what they had to say about it.

[Video]

Aroondhati Riot [Prominent Human Rights activist, occasional writer and revolutionist]

Yes Arnoob. I do believe that gross injustice has been done to Adam and Eve. These aboriginal humans were thrown out of the majestic Garden of Eden so that the corporate honchos can movie in and exploit the mineral rich region for their own evil gains. God has sold out. This is not a question of Gotra anymore Arnoob. If you look deep down this is the question of Failure of Democracy. I urge these people to stand up for themselves. Viva la Revoluccccccccccccccccccion!

[End]

G-man: What the fuck! What was...

Arnoob: Imma let you finish God but i should warn you that Miss Riot is rarely wrong. Moving on, we have another guest live from our studio in Kolkata. Good Evening miss Banherjee.

Maomata Banherjee [Part time Railway Minister, Full time Communist hunter and 100% Lethal]

Yesh Arnoob. Pleashure to be on your show.

Arnoob: Miss Banherjee what do you think about the allegations that God had ostracized Adam and Eve for being from different Gotras?

Maomata: Absholutely Ridikulush!

G-man: Thank you! I ..

Maomata: I know phor a phakt that God ijh a commnuneesht. Adam and Eve bhere doing naathing bhen thish ebheel communeesht man threw them out. You shee. Thish ebheel runs in all communeeshts. All communeeshts are ebheel. By the way Arnoob, did you bhote for the TMShee thish sunday??

Arnoob: I don't stay in Kolkata.

Maomata: But Shteel?

Arnoob: *blinks*

G-man: *blinks*

Arnoob: Err... Thank you Miss Banherjee. And now we have another very special guest. Please welcome Lolcat Modi!

Lolcat [Fuhrer of the ILP]

Pleasure to be here Arnoob. Let me clarify one thing. I am here to talk about the truth. You see there was no Gotra involved.

G-man: A Ha!

Arnoob: What do you mean Lolcat?

Lolcat: You see it was me who got Adam and Eve thrown out. God as you know supports Yuvraj XI Punjab as Sreesanth is his favorite son. I approached Adam a place in the Kolkata Ride the Knights squad. After all Eden Gardens is their home ground. I also offered Eve a position as a cheerleader. God got pissed. And the rest is history.

G-man: Lies!

Lolcat: Look i have a 10,001 page document to prove whatever i had done was legal. If you do not believe it God, i will be forced to sue you.

G-man: Satan Dammit!

Arnoob: Right. Looks like we can't prove after all what really happened at the Garden.

G-man: Ahhh!

Arnoob: Erm... So that's all for tonight. Tomorrow another Important debate at Not News Hour. "Did Kasab order Mutton Biriyani or Chicken Biriyani?" Thank you and Good Night!

The End

Chaos in Heaven

2010-03-29T09:07:00.001-04:00

Somewhere up in Heaven, two of the most powerful gods, G-man and Brahma have assembled.

G-man: So, are we clear? We are to pitch in a proposal to Lalit Modi that Heaven gets an IPL tea, next season?

Brahma: Yes. I have been personally assured by Lalit that the "Heaven Stairways" shall be there in the IPL-4. Since the earthlings have implied that Sreesanth is God, it is imperative that we, the Gods finally prove once and for all who the Gods are!! We have a reputation to uphold after all.

G-man: But who will own the team?

Brahma: I personally think your son Jesus should be the owner. The sheer merchandising potential will be huge if Jesus agrees. We will decide about the ownership with the other Gods. Apollo said that he can do it as he already has hospitals named after him and all that. The Apsaras have been contacted. They are ready to be the cheerleaders.

G-man: Excellent.

Suddenly Jesus comes barging in.

Jesus: We have a huge problem father.

G-man: What happened my Son?

Jesus: *points the finger at Brahma* St. Peter went to another one of your brother Shiva's parties. He got stoned and was seen watching Apocalypse Now repeatedly and screaming: "Mindfuck ho gya behenchod!"

G-man: Lord! Brahma, keep a leash on Shiva won't you?

Brahma: Look. I tried. Ever since Marley and him got together, he has been unstoppable.

G-man: *to Jesus* So what happened?

Jesus: St. Peter's gat have been left unguarded for a day now.

G-man: Lucifer Damn it!

*Suddenly a voice*

"Hello Gaad! I yam a gaad myan! I come fraam the land of gaad men. you may remember me from such cinematic classics as: Gaad man meets yactress and Gaad man meets yactress part2: Gaads must be crazy. I have been told that i have been called the Paris Hilton of Gaad men. Wilbur Sargunaraj has recorded a song about me called: "Mummy, Daddy, I want a Gaad man" "

G-Man: *facepalms* *Looks at Brahma* Can you do something about this?

Brahma: *nodding all five heads in the negative* Sorry brother. This one is all yours.

G-man: Jesus my boy, take him to the Catholic Priests rehabilitation ward.

Jesus: All right Father *exit Jesus*

Another Voice: You are the one who set the bees on me, the glorious and all powerful Fuhrer of the Dalits. I have this report by my DIG: "How the fuck shall i know who set the motherfucking bees on you crazy woman? Go ask God"

G-man: *blinks twice*

Brahma: Good lord woman! What is that garland? It is larger than the bloody Sand Worms of Arrakis. Wait..... Is that made out of money?

*Bass line of Pink Floyd's Money is heard in the background, Shiva is heard shouting "7/4 FTW!"*

Voice: Yes you God of the evil conspiring Brahmins, it is money. My doting followers have made it for me. Thalaivar of the Dalits i am.

Brahma: *blinks* Shiva, Shiva!!!

Shiva: Yo Bro! Wazzup?

Brahma: Take her to one your parties will you.

Shiva: Cool Bro! I have some wicked weed. Come on lady-man thingy.

Voice: You sure this is not a Brahmanical conspiracy to undermine the Dalits?

Brahma: Just go!

*exit Maya and Shiva*

G-man: Tell me again why we thought it would be fun to create the humans?

Brahma: Because we were bored. Look. If we did not create the humans, would we hear the magical donkey like bray of Rahul Mahajan on national television? Would we ever hear Ravi Shastri give a verbal blowjob to Lalit Modi every single match of the IPL? Would we ever experience Danny Morrison and the double-d's? Could we enjoy Rehman Malik blaming India for his irregular bowel movement? Could we see people giving Dildos to hockey? Could we see #mpartha and #princesssheeba trend on twitter? could we........

G-man: Enough. I get the point. But I still maintain, we would have done better without the humans.

Brahma: Well i like them.

*phone rings*

G-man: Hello? This is the alpha and the omega.

Voice: Hello! We are calling from MRF. You know that MRF is at the forefront of uber cool technology for years.

G-man: You make tires right?

Voice: Yes we do! But we also make exceptional Indian fast bowlers like Sreesanth. And now, we present the wonderful, MRF blimp. Would you, God, want one hanging around in the skies of heaven?

G-man: Why would i want that?

Voice: Look. Danny Morrison swears on his double d's that the MRF blimp is the most uber awesome blimp. Far more uber awesome than the Hindenburg. Or Led Zeppelin for that matter.

G-man: First of all Led Zeppelin is a band. And second tell Danny Morrison to take Shivamani's water beating drum sticks and to shove it up his ass. Good bye.

G-man: Stupid humans.

Brahma: Chill brother. Do you want one of Shiva's special joints?

G-man: I don't smoke thank you.

Brahma: Whatever floats your...... Wait. What the fuck is that atrocious noise?

G-man: Yes. What is that?

Brahma: Narada! Narada!

Narada: Yes my Lord?

Brahma: What is that noise?

Narada: It's music actually... come and see for yourself.

Goes to the scene of the music.

"Yo! Yo! Yo! this is your main man KisenG yo! Who da man brothers? you got it right. It be the Mao"

Brahma: Who is that?

Narada: That is is KisenG. Gangsta rappa and supreme Maoist!

Brahma: *facepalm*

KisenG: Yo! Nigoods!!! Welcome me homie Kobad G. And this be me hoe Arunp-dhati. She be the God of small thing a ding dings Yo!

Brahma: I am going to fucking St. Peter. Then i am going to fucking tell Shiva to do his fucking dance and destroy the humans.

G-man: Told you so.

The End

P.S: In case you want to go all VHP on my ass, no disrespect meant and all that.

P.P.S: I am really bad at ebonics.

Hashtag in Heaven

2010-02-19T06:33:00.000-05:00

The holy one, the alpha and the omega, the mighty creator, not the guy who played that guy in Shawshank Redemption, wakes up from a glorious sleep.

There is a knock on his door.

G-Man: Come in.

Gejus: Hello Father!

G-Man: Aaah! Gejus my boy. You come bearing good news?

Gejus: Not exactly father.

G-Man: *Frowns* what happened now?

Gejus: Well, the Earthlings are showing solidarity with Lucifer. They are saying that you have wrongfully thrown him and the other fallen angels out of heaven.

G-Man: What the Fuck! How are they doing this?

Gejus: They are doing through Twitter. Here. Look.

@iamlcfr After millennias i have realized. God has thrown us demons wrongfully out of heaven.

@iamlcfr My sadness knows no bounds. :,(

Gejus: After this tweet went through, one user tweeted,

@oldmonkmgm OMG! Support @iamlcfr guys. Stairway 2 heaven instead of highway 2 hell. #heaven4demons

G-Man: Insolent being. He is going to Hell!

Gejus: Moving on. The #heaven4demons hashtag started trending worldwide. Global citizens joined the movement. The media caught on to this. Gorkha Dutt had a special “Are we the peepul?” show. I heard Gabriel was invited. Arnab Godswami did a “Are demons not safe in Heaven?” special show on TIMES Not NOW. The Ambassador, aka, The Pope was not allowed to speak for 45 minutes in the show. A short story has been written too called: “Aman and Asha” where Aman, the Demon, has hot sex with Asha, the angel. In other words, it is complete chaos. Rehman Malik has even accused that India is behind the “Dastardly” plan to throw Demons out of Heaven.

G-Man: Holy Shit! Get me Satan on the line, his number is 96666-66666.

Gejus: Dials the number and hands the phone to G-Man.

Satan: Hello?

G-Man: It’s me.

Satan: Yo G! What’s up bro?

G-man: Cut the crap Lucifer! What the hell are doing on Twitter?

Satan: He! He! Just playing around with the Earthlings. They are so much fun.

G-Man: Well cut it out. We could do with some positive PR.

Satan: But it’s fun.

G-man: Cut it out, or I am going to post on twitter what you did when you got stoned with Shiva during the Rock in Heaven concert.

Satan: Oh come on! I got a bit too excited after the Supergroup: Grateful and really dead performed. Burton and The Ox on bass, Morrison and Jones on vocals, Hendrix and Darrell on guitars and Bonham and Moon on Drums. That is truly super. Remember that guest Keyboard solo by Wolfgang? I was tripping massively. How was I supposed to know it was Mamata Banerjee next to me? So give me a break.

G-man: Okay. I am a kind and benevolent God after all. So nothing goes on Twitter. But stop this nonsense.

Satan: Okay! Okay! Will do! *Hangs up phone*

Gejus: There is a call on the other line.

G-Man: Who is it?

Gejus: It’s Ramdev. Says he can cure Satan for you. But, you need to pay a shitload of cash.

G-Man: God Dammit!

The End

My Name is Satan, and I am bored.

2010-02-17T10:13:00.000-05:00

Far down under, no, not the land where Indian students get beaten so that Arnab Goswami gets another issue to shout on, but the land known as Hell, Satan wakes up from a glorious nap.

Satan: What a glorious nap. What a glorious dream. Torturing Kasab by making him watch Jayalalitha, Mayawati and Mamata Banerjee performing a threesome. I think i will use that on some of the residents.

Satan: Beelzebub! Beelzebub!

Beelzebub enters chewing something which suspiciously looks like a cricket ball.

Satan: *blink* *blink* Is that a cricket ball?

Beelzebub: Erm... No.... It's an apple... I was smelling it...

Satan: Right........

Beelzebub: Oh all right. It is a cricket ball. There is a heaven Vs. Hell T20 match in a few hours. We need to win. Your old comrade Gabriel has been taunting us for a while now. And anyway. Since Rameez Raja says this is all right, it must be okay. After all. There is no one more knowledgeable in the game of cricket than Mr. Raja. Perhaps Maninder Singh.

Satan: No need to worry about getting caught my son. The HPL Dictator, Narendra Modi is a good friend of mine. I will tell him. He will let this one pass.

Beelzebub: Thank you my Lord.

Satan: So what news from Earth my minion?

Beelzebub: Well Lal Bal Pal Fuckerey has demanded that Aamir Khan's dog should apologize to him.

Satan: What did Aamir's dog do? pee on him?

Beelzebub: No my lord. Aamir's dog is in a Jugal Hansraj animated movie about dogs. It is called: "My name is Aamir's dog and I am not an animated dog in a national award winning film director's animated film." In the film, apparently the Dog calls Mumbai, Bombay. Also Aamir's dog has a benevolent and kind Pakistani master. No done according to Fuckerey.

Satan: Gegus. H. Antichrist. I told G-man not to create these humans. Look at them! What a bunch of fucktards. How can I show support for Aamir's dog?

Beelzebub: I think you can support him by campaigning on twitter. You can follow him too.

Satan: Brilliant.

On twitter: @iamlcfr I am motherfucking satan, and i motherfucking support MNIAKD etc.. etc.. #mumbaiindians

Satan: that is done... and.... gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Satan looks at Akshay Kumar standing in front of him.

Akshay: Tune mera Thums up kyun liya?

Satan: Blinks.... Beelzebub.

Beelzebub: Yes My Lord.

Satan: Take the insolent creature away and make him watch Blue. Repeatedly.

Beelzebub: Yes My Lord..... Takes Akshay away and comes back in a while.

Satan: What else?

Beelzebub: Well my Lord! SPS Rat-whore is now known as the Joker. He goes around saying: "You know how i got these scars? you see i molested a young girl. People did not like it. Not. One. Bit. So one day this craaaaaazy fellow come out of nowhere, says, Why so serious and guts my face....."

Satan: Wait while i go on twitter again.

On twitter: @iamlcfr ROFLing at Ratwhore :D

Satan: Anything Else?

Beelzebub: No my Lord. But i do have a request.

Satan: Yes?

Beelzebub: We are friends right?

Satan: You are my minion. But yes... you are kinda like my friend... why?

Beelzebub: You would say we are buddies?

Satan: Yes we are buddies... getting annoyed now... why???

Beelzebub: Can i borrow your boxers?

Satan: A Whattttt?

Beelzebub: Well Do Co Mo says that it's okay for buddies to share their boxers.

Satan: Fuck Do Co Mo.... aaargh...

Beelzebub: Sorry My Lord.

Phone Rings.... Satan picks it up: Yes??? oh yes.... send them in

Beelzebub: Who is it my lord?

Satan: People from Hero Honda. They want me in an ad that shows i support the Indian Hockey team. I am supposed to say: "Support foolish humans or face my wrath!!!!"

Beelzebub: Very good my lord... I will go now... practice for the match.

Satan: Go my minion. Win! I shall now relax and watch some TV. Morons want to marry another Moron on live television. Brilliant

The End

P.S: I do not mean any disrespect to a certain Global Indian actor whose name i have indirectly mentioned here. I have respect for him as a person, if not his acting abilities. The others i have disrespected.... well... i don't like them. Peace.

Heavenly Business

2010-01-23T04:01:00.000-05:00

Our father, who art in heaven, is getting ready to have a telephonic conversation with his brother who art in hell.

Picks up the phone. There is no dial tone. *Blinks*

God: "Peter! Peter! What is happening? Why do i have no dial tone?"

No Reply from Peter.

God: "Jesus! Jesus! My Son are you there?"

Jebus: " Yes Father! What do you need me for?"

God: "Where is Peter?"

Jebus: "Ermmm... You are not going to like my answer"

Stern Expression on face. God: "Where?"

Jebus: ":Well! The Heaven and Hell gatekeeper's Union is on a strike demanding human treatment and better wages."

God: "What!!!!!!! Why?"

Jebus: "A Gentleman from Bengal came in a few days ago and convinced them to go on a strike"

God: "Damnation!!!!!"

God: "And My Phone?"

Jebus: "Heavenly Sanchar Nigam Limited is on a strike too"

God: "Who else is on a strike?"

Jebus: "Well Heavenly Hockey player's association and Jet Airways Earth to Heaven Pilots are on a strike, but thats nothing new"

Suddenly the phone rings.

God: "It seems HSNL has called off the strike"

Jebus: "So it would seem. See you later Father" Leaves.

God picks up the phone.

God: "Hello! this is the Alpha and Omega. Who is this?"

Voice on phone: "Hello. This is ND Tiwari. May i interest you in some girls half your age?"

God: "Excuse Me???"

ND: "May i interest you in some girls half your age so you can become a media sensation I am today? You do know you have lost some credibility on Earth what with crazy lunatics jumping on your chosen one and all. This will make you popular with the masses again."

God: "You do know you are talking to God right?"

ND: "You do know you are talking to a Sex God right?"

God: "Stop bothering me again you idiot or i will tell Zeus to a shove a lightning bolt so far up your ass that you will be able to provide power to the entire state of Telengana with your bowel movements." Hangs up the phone.

God: "stupid Humans. I should never have created them."

Phone Rings again.

God: "Listen you moron I am not interested in buying girls"

Voice on phone: "Oh no! I don't sell anything. Wait. I do sell books. A lot of them.... As i was saying Vidhu Vinod Khopra stole the idea of a movie from my book and did not give me any credit. I have gone as far as blocking him on Twitter saying: "Buddy, one more act of plagiarism from you and you are blocked okay?" He did not listen. He copied 2 states into something called 2 blue rumped baboons, the story of him and me. Do Something."

God: Blinks twice. Hangs up the phone.

Calls the phone number of the beast, 666-666-666.

Satan: "Yo G! Whats up Dawg?"

God: "Did you get a call from ND tiwari and an author?"

Satan: Yes i did bro! ND Tiwari is my mistake. He took the lust part a bit too seriously. And the author... Well! Lets put it this way. After Rakhi ka Swyamvar ended i was shit bored. And Raaz Pichle Janam ka simply does not work. I needed some entertainment bro."

God: "Well you better stop it now. Its not very entertaining when he asks you to be a mediator. Anyway do you have some hand in the the Rathore business?"

Satan: "Look. G. even i would not stoop that low. But I must say,I am looking forward to have some fun with him when he gets here. Something on the lines of an Iron Maiden, a rack and the DoCoMo jingle"

God: "That's gotta hurt! Anyway Talk to you later brother. I have to go and stop the Gatekeeper's Union from striking."

Satan: "Later Bro!"

The End.

Fasting for a cause

2010-01-14T06:18:00.000-05:00

Fasting to get your demands met seems to be the new fad nowadays. After the dude, KCR did it for Telengana, the admirable supporters of "Gorkhaland" (I still have no idea what it is but in my minds eye i see it something like Disneyland.) are doing it. Even Kareena Kapoor seems to have done it to attain Size Zero Nirvana and a Size Zero Sony Vaio. Its such a rage that VLCC has started "Fast now for a cause and lose 20 kilos" and has one of the Gorkhaland supporters saying: "Hom 80 kilo ka tha, homra gorkhaland ke liye zaan de diya ab hom 60 kilo ka hai.Sukriya VLCC!" But these are petty things. There are some matters for which fasting unto death will truly be a noble cause. Here are some of them:

1. We fast unto death unless Himesh Reshamiya promises he will not act in any more movies.

2. We fast unto death unless Stephanie Meyer promises not to write any more Twilight books, not because of its literary value, but because of a small chance that no more Twilight movies shall be made.

3. We fast unto death till MENSA accepts that Rehman Malik is fit to be in MENSA.

4. We fast unto death till it is declared by people worldwide that INDIA TV is the greatest television news channel in the world.

5. We fast unto death till the Mayans are resurrected as Zombies and then hit in the balls for making silly predictions.

6. We fast unto death till Indian Channels promise us there won't be any Swayamvar type shows unless its T.Rajendar ka Swayamvar (I know he is married and has an offspring called Simboo, but still a man can hope right??)

7. We fast unto death till most of the members BCCI agrees to undergo a brain surgery to revive their dead brain cells.

8. We fast unto death till the 400 acres of land are returned to unwilling farmers and TATA...... wait... I am channeling Mamata Banerjee... damn it!

9. We fast unto death till the Government assures us that everyone with a broadband connection gets a free 500GB External Hard Drive.

10. We fast unto death till the DOCOMO ad is pulled off air for the sanity of mankind.

Feel free to ad more.

A Normal Day in Hell.

2009-12-10T07:11:00.000-05:00

Down in the deepest darkest corner of Hell, the lord of Hell, Mr. 666 himself is enjoying a pleasant telephonic conversation with one of his many sons.

Lucifer: Yes Son. I am very proud of you. The way you present the news is really admirable...... Yes Son! Go! Go and host a panel discussion and remember you are not allowed to let your panel speak. Interrupt them. Bark at them. Be the judgmental little man i taught you to be. I'll see you in Hell next month? Good! Good!

*Satan hangs up and immediately the phone rings again*

Lucifer: Hello! Universal Exports, Hell Division. Who is this?...... The Railways?.... The Indian Railways you say? What do you want?.............. Let me get this straight. The honorable Minister of Railways wants to launch an Earth to Hell Duronto Express as a gift to the people of Hell and wants me to flag it off? No Stops you say? Interesting. Not a bad idea that. Faster access to hell. Good for the business. Tell your minister that i like the idea, but she has to give an assurance that this Duronto thing does not become a Gaisal thing.

*Satan hangs up mumbling something on the lines of "These Romans are crazy"*

Lucifer calls up the Heavenly one!

Lucifer: Yo G Man! Whats Happening Bro?

G-Man: A huge headache thats whats happening

Lucifer: Whats happened Bro?

G-man: I am getting tired of my Heavenly brother Rama laughing his ass off all the time. Something to do with Liberace or Liberhan he finds deeply amusing. Not your agent is he?

Lucifer: He was! Then he gave a report which was due in 2 months after a century. I fired his lazy ass. Anyway. Dude. Listen. You know something about hunger strikes and all that right?

G-man: Right! I know something about it. I told one of my sons a few tricks to get rid of some very naughty colonists.

Lucifer: Hmmm.. Look! I have a problem. One of the lower demons has gone on a fast and demands that i hand him a portion of Hell as Cockandbullgana Land. I have no experiences dealing with such non-violent means Bro!

G-man: What does he want to do with the land?

Lucifer: I have no idea. Apparently he is inspired from a half demon named Madhu Koda!

G-Man: Well. Try and Negotiate. Otherwise do what you do best.

Lucifer: You mean subject him to the torture of watching "Himesh Reshamiya's Radio" for all eternity?

G-Man: Isn't that a bit too harsh?

Lucifer: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

G-man: Okay. Talk to you later man. I got to go and watch Heavenly Big Boss 3. They have put Moses in with Ramses and the result is not pretty.

Lucifer: All right Bro! Peace out!

Beelzebub comes in: My Lord. You are scheduled to appear in Copenhagen in a while.

Lucifer: Sweet Antichrist! I forgot! But this time no Swedish Women for me. Look at what that squeaky clean Gillette guy got himself into.

Beelzebub: My Lord. You did send the waitress as a temptation.

Lucifer: Did I? enh.Who cares? By the way Beelzebub are my tickets for Avatar here yet? I have seen enough of Vegan Vampires trending in twitter. Time for some real Sci-fi biatches!

Beelzebub: They are here my Lord!

Lucifer: Good ! Lets go to Copenhagen!

The End

Bauxite in Hell

2009-11-17T06:38:00.000-05:00

Beelzebub, the first duke of hell knocks on Lucifer's door.

B: "My Lord, there is a phone call for you!"

Silence from the other side

B: "My Lord?" no reply. shouting now "MY LORD?"

Lucifer takes off his noise-cancellation Hell-Bose headphones.

L: "brrrr.ahh... What the hell? who is it?"

B: "It's me my lord! what were you listening to?"

L: "Stairway to Heaven in reverse again. I have no clue what incantations they talk about, but the solo in reverse is just too funky. Any way. What were you saying?"

B: "Phone call for you. some mortal woman"

L: "Give me the phone..... Hello?"

Voice on the other end: "Do you know you are a part of a vast capitalist, imperialist conspiracy?"

L: "eehhhh... What?"

Voice: "Do you know, tools of these capitalist forces will soon come to take away the Bauxite present in the mountains and thus remove you and your indigenous people. You wouldn't be able to live off the land anymore. You will be forced to follow capitalist teachings. You will be filled with greed. You will.... "

L: "Lady! Lady! What in the name of Jesus H. Antichrist are you talking about? What Bauxite? What Capitalist army? What greed? Lady, I discovered, no invented the 7 sins. WTF are you saying?"

Voice: "You must rise. you must take up arms. Fight for the innocent. Show your socialistic ways is what is needed. Democracy be damned, Democracy has failed. Democracy.... "

L: "Listen! Lady! Who do you want to talk to? seriously?"

Voice: "Isn't this KishenG?"

L: "No you foolish mortal! Who the Fuck is KishenG? some hormonally challenged Kissan Jam slurping rapper? This is Lucifer!!!"

Voice: "Lucifer! Wait i told the operator to call KishenG. The operator routed me to you"

L: "Well obviously the shit for brains thought I was the same person! Hang up the phone you silly mortal or I will napalm your ass. Then you feel what a true capitalist conspiracy is"

Voice: "sorry!" hangs up

L: "Foolish Mortal"

L: "Beelzebub! Any more news from Earth?"

B: "Well Fail Barkerey has just dissed the greatest cricketer in the history of the game"

L: "damn it! Call up Fail and say I am very displeased with him. You know whats gonna happen if G-man finds out that one of my minions has dissed is favorite son? do you? I have to dodge heavenly lightning and try not to get smited for months"

B: "Yes Lord! I will call him at once"

B: "My Lord! There was another call for you before. Khamata Ban-her-jee wanted to confirm whether she can still call a Bandh in Earth complaining about forceful land acquisition in hell by CPI(M) workers?"

L: 'Yes! Yes! I tried to talk sense into that woman. But she kept screaming for no reason at all. My ear drums were complaining so i caved in. Let her do whatever she wants. Just make sure regardless of what she has done, she should not be allowed in Hell. Let G-man handle her." *Evil Grin*

B: "It shall be done my Lord! And my Lord, He-man Malik has blamed Hell again for another bomb blast"

L: "let him blabber. Incompetent fool"

B: "Thats all my Lord"

L: "Be gone now." puts on the headphone and now plays in forward singing loudly: "And as we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our souls......"

The End

P.S: The characters in this piece resemble a living person. Peace V.

12 theories for 2012

2009-11-10T06:46:00.000-05:00

Fraands, Romans, douche-bags (No I am not calling you one), lend me your auditory systems.

As you know the Grandmaster Oracle, Nostradamus and that civilization whose ass you get to whoop in Age of Empires, The Mayans, predicted that our world will get doo-doo-ed on December 2012. However, these funky people did not predict how the end of the world is going to happen. Most people are led to believe in the Ronald Emmerich theory (which is hey look. an important building in the history of the world. Lets destroy it). But I am led to believe that it can't be that simple. These are my theories which are more likely to bring around global apocalypse.

Theory 1

Aliens whoop our ass pissed after the video of Britney Spears's Toxic finally reach their distant galaxy. I mean wouldn't you be pissed when you are searching for intelligent life on other planets and you receive a transmission.... you are excited... you turn on the TV to check the the transmission and Wham! Britney Spears dancing as an air hostess to atrocious music. Fuck i will be pissed.

Theory 2

MNS workers whoop the rest of the planets ass for not speaking in Marathi. Even as i write this in english, and you read it in english, somewhere a MNS workers is getting ready to whoop our asses

Theory 3

Mamata Banerjee, Arundhati Roy, Raj Thakerey and Mayawati combine to from giant-super-ultra-mega-roboto which is more powerful than Super Saiyan 3 and whoop all our asses

Theory 4

Himesh Reshamiya hits a pitch which is the resonant frequency of Earth. Planet Earth explodes.

Theory 5

Ram Gopal Verma makes a remake of his remake of Sholay (believe me he has already made remake of his own movie) and the entire planet instantly commits mass suicide.

Theory 6

KRK goes naked on international television thus blinding the world with his awesomness and since we mere mortals are not allowed to witness such awesomness we instantly die.

Theory 7

The internet is finally cleaned of all pr0n thus leading to worldwide panic and eventual mass suicide.

Theory 8

Sachin Tendulkar finally retires from all forms of the game.

Theory 9

Rakhi Sawant is proven to be the second coming of Jegus.

Theory 10

Karunanidhi finally takes off his Ray Bans in public thus instantly blinding us with his awesomness

Theory 11

Michael Bay makes an Oscar Winner ( not the special effects kind.. with actual dialogs, no Hasbro toys and no Megan fox)

Theory 12

India finally qualifies for the Football World Cup Finals

And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. 12 Theories for 2012. Remember this short post was presented by DoCoMo, Do co mo.. do co mo.. do coo coo moo moo.. mo mo coo.. (There goes theory 13: Do Co Mo makes an ad more irritating than its train ad)

Adventures in the RTO

2009-10-28T10:19:00.001-04:00

Imagine that Vlad the Impaler, Adolf Hitler, Ivan the Terrible, Mamata Banerjee and Arundhati Roy were given rings by that Creature of all Terribleness called Satan. Satan like Gaea in Captain Planet tells these 5 chosen members that they have the power to create the Ultimate Evil with their individual rings.

One day these creatures of mass mayhem decided that they alone are not enough to torture the world they decide to create this ultimate evil thing. And so like the Planeteers (in our case lets call these excellent pieces of human beings as Funketeers!) use there rings. They call on the ultimate evil. 30 more powerful than Captain Planet and a 400 times more evil than Captain Pollution.

This thing that they create is called the RTO. And this special RTO, which exists for the soul purpose of torturing countless souls exist in the wonderful city which calls itself the city of joy. As you know, or may not know, Kolkata has the bestest most wonderfulest work culture in the entire ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. The culmination of this grandest of Work culture is at the Kolkata RTO Office.

The place, build in the forgotten era of the British Raj, smells of such wonderful smells that you senses are overwhelmed for the amount of time that you spend there. And just like every Government Office in Kolkata, you do spend a lot of time there. Your nose is immediately hit with that wonderfully Indian smell of urine! The funkiness of the ammonia and the fact that Health ishhh Bhelth (The bong accent plisss) is uber awesomness. And amongst that beautiful smell of human excrement there comes the smell of a decaying animal. Maybe a rat, maybe a cat, maybe a human being. Who knows? The mystery of the dead creature and the smell that it gives out will keep you company for the two-three hours you may spend there.

And the pepul at the various desks are so helpful, so generous, so big at heart that you instantly feel at home (If your home is Hell that is). And of course various funkily made posters remind you throughout your visit that you are in fact at the mercy of the unions in this most wonderfulest of places and they reserve the right to do whatever they want (which includes letting you smell their urine).

And after 3 hours of standing in various lines, through narrow corridors, smelling various exotic things like urine, vomit, dead animals, stinky perfumes and what not, your energy all spent, english language forgotten (I actually tweeted my giving birth instead of my birth) you get what you came for. You smile into the web cam (after trillion times of resetting your face to get the correct picture which will eventually turn out to be the worst picture in your life), sign your name and of course put your index finger impression on a super digital device (unfortunately every time you put your finger on that device, its to sweaty according the wonderfully cooperative woman behind the counter). And it was done. I got my friggin License renewed.

And now as I type this, the smell of urine still invades my senses. I didn't even catch a whiff of the wonderful Chicken Strogonoff that my mom has cooked.

This Adventure at The RTO will forever be etched into my mind as my little journey to hell.

P.S: Those of you wanted my regular characters viz. G-Man and Luci, wait for a while :)

And the Cat said: Maooooo!

2009-10-24T09:43:00.001-04:00

Forget about the Taliban, the new gang of media savvy Terrorists have arrived. Swanky press conferences, beautiful ideologies and apparently a good knowledge of Hindi, Bengali, English and it looks like Telegu, the Naxalites are God's answer to the Indian media. Along with the media the normally mundane lives of Human Rights activists become cheery as well. The Goddess of Small Things, Arundhati Roy has geared up for a fierce battle. And caught between them is the of course the general public.

Now in my years of experience with the Naxals (none I assure you) this is what I think should be done: Systematic elimination of the threat (put in the American accent and Hans Zimmer music in the background... you may also put a Jerry Bruckheimer production later on). Deploy the Army and do to the Naxals as it has been done with the ULFA in the Assam. If the Naxals do believe that prisoners taken by them are POW's then war it should be. No holds barred war. Napalm them if you like (Killgore had the right answer to life believe me).

On another note someone kindly put a sellotape on Mamata Banerjee's mouth (I know its not possible, but here's to wishing). According her it's all a part of a Grand conspiracy. And of course silently she will carry on supporting the Maoists as its all a part of a grand plan to come into power in the State. Of course she forgets that after a while she might have to deal with the same monsters she helped create. Best of luck to you Didi. And while she launches another train from Bengal to some godforsaken part of the country, people keep on dying. Lovely.

And now to the human rights activists. Probably my favoritest people on the whole of the planet. This is what a Naxalite might look like in the mind of the activist:

Awwwwww... Isn't that cute? As hundred of activists led by yours truly, Arundhati Roy, circle around the government for the shockingly bad treatment given to "Terrorists" none of them, and i mean none of them raise a word when there is a policeman killed. None of them are moved when children of the policeman are seen crying. None of them will raise an eyebrow when there is a landmine blast and 10 police officers die. But no. One Naxal arrested and you have to let them go immediately. The government must develop these areas first. Right. Here's a plan Miss Roy, Take a jeep, drive it through the landmines and you try to develop as much as you can. Do it! No ones stopping you! It seems terrorists are the only one who are human and deserve the support of human rights activists. There's hypocrisy for you.

And now last but not the least. Hello media! Nice going. Act as the PR people for the Naxalites won't you! Do promote them and give them all the attention they deserve. And of course when the police arrest Naxalites dressed up as journalists you are going to protest that. There goes your livelihood. There goes the TRP. Seriously! why doesn't the govt. disguise more people as the press and arrest or if arrest does mean letting go of prisoners as a part of a swanky prisoner exchange program, then shoot them through the head when these conferences are held?

Okay I think that should be the end of my rant! So if anyone who does read this article please understand this is from the viewpoint of the average citizen and not someone who has a PhD in Naxalism and Maoism like I am sure Miss Arundhati Roy has. Kthanxbai!

Peace in Hell

2009-10-12T10:11:00.000-04:00

Somewhere down in that place riddled with hell fire and what not, the

lord of the fallen angels, Mr. Lightbringer himself is enjoying his

daily television.

Satan: I must remember to send those wonderful fellows at Times Now a

complimentary card. They are making Hell look like the Hilton at Hawaii

with free jacuzzi.

Meanwhile the Duke of hell, Beelzebub comes running through the

corridor. "Master! Master!"

Satan: What is it my minion? What news have you got for me?

Beelzebub: You won't like it too much my Lord.

Satan: Come now Duke... spit it out.... I am in a good mood today!

Beelzebub: Erm... er... I was just on Twitter disguised as BR.I.TNEY

FUCK.D... and ermm...

Satan: Come on Duke.. I haven't got all day... I want to see KRK in Big

Boss you know.

Beelzebub: Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize my Lord!

Satan: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?????

Hell fires rage in hell.... somewhere in the White House a tremor is

felt, mis interpreted as Terrorists from Eye-Ran using advanced super

duper weapons and thus started a new chapter in The American dream of

concurring countries which few people in the great country have a clue

exists.. Red flag twibbons are used all over twitter in solidarity for

the Eye-ranians. But Thats another story. On to our story.

Satan: Give me my phone.

Satan gets his phone... sees a message: "TA-SNM-Elections" Vote for

your favorite party this October and get a riot free for the next year.

Conditions apply if you are not from Baam-bay!

Satan: Son of a Bitch!

Calls the G-man on his personal number!

G-Man: Yes!

Satan: It's me

G-man: O hello Lucifer! What is up my friend?

Satan: Have you heard the news? Obama winning the Peace prize?

G-Man: Really? Good for him!

Satan: Good for him? That son of a bitch! I was in contention for the

Peace Prize this year! this was going to be my big day!

G-Man: You?

Satan: Yes me! I am Evil. And Evil is the the thing that all religions

in the world proclaim they are going to banish from the face of this

shithole people call Earth. Therefore I am the single largest Factor

that unites all religion. Ergo (sounding suspiciously like the

architect from The Matrix)....

G-Man: So in your twisted world because all Religions hate you, you

unite them? and thus should win the Nobel Peace Prize?

Satan: Why not? Face it... if they can give it to Henry Kissinger, they

can give it to me.

G-Man: Hmmm... true... I'll see what i can do... "Alfred.. hey Alfred..

call up your buddies at Stockholm wont you? My estranged Son wants the

Prize Badly"

Satan: Thanks G

G-Man: No Problem. What is new in hell?

Satan: Nothing new my brother.. Clearing up more space for the

Farmville players.

G-man: Keep it up.

Satan: Peace bro.

The End

Austerity in Hell

2009-09-17T02:26:00.000-04:00

The ground shakes, the earth Rattles, somewhere Robert Plant belts out Immigrant song.

On a quieter corner of Earth two of the ultimate celestial beings meet. (Yes! they have reached the Ultimate level of Super Saiyan and hence they are the Ultimates)

Lucifer: Hello G-Man

God: Capital morning to you too

Lucifer: I am sorry but we had to meet up like this.

God: No problems my old friend.

Lucifer: You know what this is about right?

God: Yes!

Lucifer: This austerity business by The INC is making us look ridiculous. India TV, the only media we get in Hell has accused the management of Hell of not going austere. They even televised their exclusive on Earth. Of course no one believed them.

God: I Agree. So what steps have the management taken?

Lucifer: Well we no longer have the deals on normal paper. We are using recycled papers now. My Trident which needed polishing now and then has been replaced by a plastic one. Beelzebub has been ordered to not use contact lenses for his eyes and we can no longer use the excellent service provided by Air India from Hell to earth. We now have to travel economy class.. or worse take the train!

God: I feel for you brother!

Lucifer: So what steps have Heaven taken?

God: Well for starters as in Hell, the Archangels are no longer allowed to fly Business class.

Lucifer: by the way, your Archangels have been a bit erratic nowadays.

God: Dont blame them. All their flights got cancelled due to some strike by the pilots. Your doing was that?

Lucifer: No! i think it was one of the lesser Demons of hell. What else?

God: We are now replacing all Tube lights in heaven with cost cutting, eco friendly lights. And the we no longer maintain a cellular phone.. all we did was call up the Pope.. now we use the land line instead.

Lucifer: A ha!

Lucifer: Any idea when this austerity thing will end? My trident is useless in its plastic form

God: No idea! next election?

Lucifer: O God no!

God: O hell yes!

The End

Heaven on Earth

2009-08-26T07:48:00.000-04:00

Somewhere down below

Beelzebub, the Duke of Hell is seen running around frantically.

He comes to the throne room and near the doors hears agonizing screams.

Beelzebub to the door guard: Ermm is his majesty in?

Guard: Yes he is, but you really don't want to disturb him now

Beelzebub: Bad news?

Guard: really bad!

Beelzebub: Damn! I have an extremely bad news to deliver!

Guard: Your funeral buddy! see you in Heaven!

Beelzebub: knocking, "Lord Lucifer! May I enter!"

Lucifer: Enter duke!

Beelzebub warily goes in... sees Lucifer sitting by one of those Series 9 Samsung TV

Beelzebub: My Lord! Something bothering you?

Lucifer: Yes something is bothering me... look.. look at The Prince Dance group perform.. Jesus H Antichrist they fill me with tears!

Beelzebub: so my Lord?

Lucifer: So??? So??? so I want to vote for them.. but nooooo... Vodafone! Friggin network bombed again... yaaaargh!

Beelzebub: What to you intend to do my Lord?

Lucifer: Me?? I'll friggin release the hounds of hell on that mother friggin Pug... lets see how he likes to be Help then!

Beelzebub: Magnificent plan my Lord

Lucifer: Do you have something to say?

Beelzebub: My Lord can you change the channel to NDTV please!

Lucifer: Why? And will I like it?

Beelzebub: No my Lord!

Lucifer: changes the channel to NDTV

Reporter: We have confirmed news that God, the one God, The Alpha and the Omega has decided to copy Heaven on Earth!

Lucifer: WTF! get me God on the line!

after many rings someone picks up the phone!

Lucifer: Hello! G? is that you?

God: Why, hello Lucifer! hows everything down there?

Lucifer: Peachy... simply peachy... we are waiting for the arrival of Ricky Ponting!

God: grand, grand!

Lucifer: Listen what's this I hear about heaven being copied on Earth?

God: o! he he!

Lucifer: What are you planning to do?

God: look! Lucifer! in all due respect you get to copy Hell on Earth everywhere.. give me a chance to make an Heaven on Earth.. we had that beautiful

mountain valley, but my children decided to draw a line and fight like constipated morons!

Lucifer: It's not my fault that your creations tend more towards Hell you know?

God: I know, I know!

Lucifer: So who are you commissioning for this job?

God: Well I told Gabriel to find the bast copy artists in the world and he has found them. incidentally they are from the same place where Heaven Mark-I

existed!

Lucifer: Who?

God: Pritam, Anu Mallick and Bappi Lahiri.. I am told that they can copy anything

Lucifer: Good choice! but once they are done with their work, can I have them!

God: Of course you can old buddy, old pal!

Lucifer: Okay.. hmmm... and by the way do you know anyone from Vodafone?

God: oooo! no network in hell too? i was thinking of sending Azazel on to them

Lucifer: Forget it! I have send my hounds

God: O Capital!

God: "talk to later then Luci!

Lucifer: Ya! later

By the Gods in heaven

2009-08-21T02:14:00.000-04:00

There is a massive convergence of Gods in heaven

The one God: Yo brother's whats up!

Yo came the replies from all Gods except the Indian ones..

The one God: Hello my Indian brethren what is up?

Brahma: Shhhhhhhhh

God: (whispering) something wrong???

Brahma: Mrs. Brahma is out shopping in Apsara Mall with all the other wives and we are all watching "Rakhi ka Swayamvar!"

God: ummmm.... oookay

Shiva: (looks a bit stoned) Dude... really its rad... its so cool man...

God: No thank you I will pass

The rest of the Indian Gods: Elesh! Elesh! Elesh! you show her you Canadian Hunk you!

God: But seriously guys dont you have more serious things to discuss like Drought?

Brahma: Drought? what drought?

God: The one thats going on your country duh!

Brahma: perplexed..... I don't know anything about it.. Shiva do you?

Shiva: noooo duuude... far out!

Brahma: Indra.... wait where is Indra?

Indra: trying to tip-toe out of the room "ermmm..."

Brahma: What did you do numskull?

Indra: Well......

Brahma: I'm listening!!!

Indra: Well the Apsaras wanted to do a rain dance, and well.... ermm.... so i got them the Rain....

Brahma: slaps each of his foreheads (that's gotta hurt)

Indra: he he he

God: You Indians are mental!

The End

Conversation between Heaven and Hell

2009-08-18T04:12:00.000-04:00

A cellphone rings to the tune of "Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones"

Lucifer: "Hello!"

God: "Hey man.. this is the G man"

Lucifer: "Yo G! whats up man?"

God: "Not good.."

Lucifer: "Whats wrong man? something up in the land of milk and honey?"

God: "I need to fire that idiot at the gates... he fell asleep on the job and now i am stuck with her!"

Lucifer: "Who?"

God: "Mayawati!"

Lucifer: *cringes* "brrrrrr... thats scary!"

God: "I know.... i wanted Ram to take care of her but she started screaming about Dalits or something!"

Lucifer: "Now what are you gonna do about it?"

God: "I have no idea... she started eyeing the statues of the Saints up here and I am suspicious of her intents... She has contacted Indra for loaning Ayravata for sometime... also she has commissioned Michelangelo for something.. I am scared man... very scared"

Lucifer: "hmmmm..."

God: "Dude... ummm... listen"

Lucifer: "No!"

God: "I haven't said anything yet!"

Lucifer: "I know what you are about to say and NO!!"

God: "Listen to me first!"

Lucifer: "Okay!"

God: "Look take in Mayawati and i will throw in John Lennon!"

Lucifer: "Heavens no! I already have Morrison, Hendrix, Bonham, Moon, Burton, Cobain ... i have all the music i need thank you!"

God: "Lucifer! look... i am even willing to forgive some of your sins... you know hire my PR people from the Vatican to give you a better Image"

Lucifer: "No thank you!"

God: "Pweeeeeez???"

God: "Hello??? hello??? hello?? Lucifer?? hello! God damnit!"

The End

Seek and destroy people!

2009-07-08T07:41:00.000-04:00

Attention unemployed terrorists,

It is a harsh time in this mad, mad world. And yes! Terrorism has been hit too by the miserable Recession. But don't you worry. Have we got a job for you!

We, the semi-intelligent public of India have a proposal for you!

Are you a Tiger who has his stripe?

Do you dream of virgins after glorious death?

Do you think Mao was the man?

Do you think things that go "Kabloeey" is fun?

The do the right thing.

Be a Man!

Blow up those God awful statues built by HRH The Queen of the Dalits, Kumari Mayawati

The target wont be difficult to miss. And if you still do blow yourself up for your own stupidity!

Come on people. This is the only time when you destroy something an entire nation will be hugging each other and cheering you on for your glorious death.

So we the citizens of India implore you! Do it! Do it! now!

waat the elephants think of maya!

2009-07-02T07:38:00.001-04:00

Actual independence day happening

2009-06-30T11:45:00.000-04:00

RGV ka Rape!

2009-06-21T06:50:00.000-04:00

Nonsensical Bullshit!

Coming soon to a theater near you!

(Insert heavy trailer voice)

Ram Gopal Verma....

The man that gave you such classics as Satya and Sarkar... and also the man that made your blood boil with hits such as Aag and Darling Presents....

He was a man.

She was a girl.

But somewhere... something went wrong....

RGV Present's "Rape"

a brutal tr00 story!

starring:

That man from most Mahesh Bhatt movies as ------Shiney Ahhuja

That nymphoid female who tried to seduce Amitabh Bachhan------ The Bai

Random new female who is the only new talent who will still work with RGV--------- That incorrigible Wife of Shiney

Random social workers- NWC people

The Police (Not the band)----- The police

The Media ------ The media

Music composed by---- The greatest composer of original music since Mozart and Beethoven...... already heard to be working on Beethoven's new 10th symphony which is suspiciously similar to Beethoven's 9th..... that bengali wunderkid.... Pritam!

Edited by- Random guy

Director, screenplay, producer, executive producer (do you think anybody will give him money except Vilas Rao Deshmukh???) ----- Ram Gopal Verma

Contains- 1 and a half item number..... this time Emraan Hashmi will sport a 24 pack ab just in case!

Do not miss this monumental movie..... next summer!

Soundtrack:

NSync- Bai, Bai, Bai

Random item number 1

Random item number 2

Uber cool Punjabi hip hop 1

Uber cool Punjabi hip hop with Foreign Rap artist

Uber cool Rock number with nirvanaesque three chords only

Random Pakistani screamy rock song

Random slow romantic love song...

Instrumental version of the slow Romantic love song

Advertising blues!

2009-06-12T10:43:00.000-04:00

After watching gazzilions of hours of Indian Television during the IPL and the ongoing T20 World Cup i was able to witness the best and the worst of Indian adevertising. So in all my pompous judgemental glory, I have decided to review some of these ads:

1) The Zoo-zoo: People following me will know that I hate those little Fugly white creatures. I mean I hate them. the thought of running them over with a Monster Truck has crossed my mind for a while. Whats irritating you say? Their Laugh! I can't stand that laugh. That is the laugh of an un-intelligent person. I will admit it. The Ad campaign is one of the best to come out in Indian television. And Love 'em or hate 'em you definately can't ignore them. But wait! Where are those Fugly creatures now that the IPL is over? I have no clue. some one finally might have just got too over-irritated by the cackle of a laugh and just taken a hot Katana blade to their neck's who knows! I have a strange feeling that those laughing idiots might actually be Lalit Modi in disguise seeing that they only appeared during the IPL

2) Youngistan mere jaan: Possibly one of the worst Ad campaigns out there on television. I mean if young people are portrayed as they are in those hideous ads, I shudder for the future of mankind. That climbing the guitar Ad just shows the good ol' American dream of the young people. Yes all you younglings out there just show a finger to your job, your parents, your peers and just play guitar in the basement and live of that Social Security.... wait.... India... no social security...... hmmm.... ummmm. And whats with the Youngistan thingy? Are we to make India filled with Roadies and Splitsvilla watching punks? Right!

3) The Hero Honda SMS ad- Okay. the award for the worst ad ever in television out now goes to Hero Honda SMS Ad. If you have not seen the Ad now please go and watch this Ad right now. If RGV directed an Ad this is it. How moronic can one get? What do they take us for? not all of us watch Roadies and Splitsvilla you know! Your sweetheat has sent you an SMS saying goodnight it probably means she wants to go to sleep. say goodnight and get done with it. No!!!! you like the feel of that leather below your crotch so much you just drive some kilometers to go and wish her goodnight. Real Life: 1- Guy gets SMS (Splitsvilla watching uber cool guy I am sure) and gives a cheeky smile on the brilliance of his magnificent plan 2- Revs his bike 3- Goes to his girlfriends place in the middle of the night 4- Cheeky smile as the door opens 5- Cheeky smile disappears as Girlfriends dad takes out ye 'ol shotgun and spatters gray matter all over his t-shirt..... The End

4) The Bappi-da 7up Ad- Now thats a good Ad.. Bappi da must be given credit. Self-satirical Ads are very rare and he has done it to perfection. Love the way he says "Liiijie... shona ka biscoot" Love it! Probably one of the best Ads out there

5) The Intel Ad- Again that USB inventing fugly Indian dude Ad must be given due credit. Funny as hell. I am pretty sure all the geeks can identify with the Ad in the sense that meeting Stan Lee is gonna be a much greater event in our lives than meeting Sharukh Fucking Khan!

6) The Idea Abhisheck Bachhan Ad- Okay! Again people who know me, pretty much knows my hate towards the bearded half-evolved human being who can't act and with a trophy wife who just smiles and does nothing. But i will admit. the Ape man calling up Sachin Tendulkar Ad is funny as hell.

7) The Coca-cola Ads- Not Youngistan bull crap! but a nice mixture of Young and Old in those ads. Have to give them credit. got the balance absolutely perfect. Warms the heart of the consumer and thats what it takes to sell a product.

8) The Max Life insurance Ads- Probably the best Ads out there in Television. Love that child and Czechoslovakia Ad and also that Retiree going to Kanpur from Lucknow Ads. They got it perfect according to me

Thats about it I think!

Randomness now:

Forgot to mention this in any previous Blog enteries but i will say this: The IPL trophy is probably the greatest, most Fugliest piece of Trophy ever in the History of Mankind. And I am gonna say this too. The IPL is not cricket but pure Bollywood! Nothing else! its a commercial piece of bull-crap! And continuing on the IPL rant taking nothing away from Dhoni as a captain... he has probably the most fugliest batting style ever in the history of the game. (the fugliest bowling award goes to that black dude with red hair... Lasith Malinga).

Also i had to say this too though it is a bit late. As far as closing ceremonies goes nothing can come up to the deadly show by Modi, Zuma and Akon...... Akon just proved to me again why i worship Rock and Roll and have a hate for Music of the black people that aint the Blues or the Jazz!

Too me the list of most annoying IPL moments were:

1- Lalit Modi
2- Danny Morrison
3- Zoozoos
4- DLF'ers or whatever that was
5- How even Modi tried to get sponorships for the official IPL condom! Nothing gets one excited that Gilchrist clobbering people!
6- The Extraaa innings
7- The cheerleaders- if i want to see porn i will see porn on the internet... cricket please
8- The horrendous team songs
9- Pretty Zinta and Shilpa Shetty thinking they know every little thing about the game
10- Akon

Random shit

2009-06-06T12:10:00.000-04:00

The state of affairs in the world is torrid. Couple of mentionable events are as follows:

1) Air France mystery: The Air France mystery is gonna be a big one. One good thing after this aircraft disaster is that Conspiracy Theorists are once more gonna have a ball. Aliens in Roswell, Elvis Presley and The Triangle are now cliche. The next thing you know they are at the Senegal waters with their theories of alien portals.... too much of Stargate does that too people. Discovery Channel and Nat Geo are gonna have a ball. As you see normal aircraft crashes are... well just too normal.... their is not much spice in aircraft crashes anymore since some people shouting ALALALalallalallllklklkaaala and various screams crashed a plane into a tall building. Deep Baritones voices (as are often used to describe the seriousness of the crash) are gonna talk of a rivetting tale.

2) The Australian beat up the Indians crisis: The Aussies are proving the laws of Genetics. Each Aussie is probably born with a Criminal Gene. The question is that gene Dominant or Recessive?? I'm pretty sure it is dominant in the case of the ones involved in beating the crap out of Indians. And every action needs a trigger. It was bound to happen. The Aussies have been dethroned by the Indians in the only sport the world really knows the Aussies for (and in all honesty the only game India is also known to play). The Aussies hate being called Monkeys it seems (Mayetes [mates] from Australia in India being called a monkey is not an insult. This writer has been called a monkey by various adult figures since childhood and certain extreme Indians would love being called a God). The attack on Sikhs is understandable.... it was bound to happen..... its a common reaction in ape like creatures. If they dont get something they find the closest thing to it. They don't get Harbhajan, find the next Sikh. As for the students i think i got the reasons. Either the student said something that a common Australian with a vocabulary of Ricky Ponting and Andrew Symonds did not understand or he just had a brief discussion with the Australian about cricket and the Aussie being drunk (It is a common knowledge that indians don;t get drunk unless its cheap liquor) thwacked the Indian.

3) The Aila crisis: Its happened again. A cyclone has hit the Bangladesh coast. incidentally it also destroyed a part of West Bengal this time. Must be God being pissed by Mamata Banerjee win and all. Lots of lives lost in WB. Lots of people left homeless. Lots of funkiness. and the parties are scampering to prove their might. The CPM humbled for the first time in 30 years are running for lives and trying to serve the people. They have no idea what to do though. they have forgotten what it was like. On a side note its very confusing for someone born in the 1980's who has not seen anything except the Commies winning every single election. It's a new and funky experience.

4) What the hell happened to the Zoozoos? Now that the IPL is over what the hell happened to those annoying little white giggly things? I guess they got mauled by someone who found them as irritating as me. heeeeeeee khliiiii khlliiii heeeee.. *Thwack* .... golden silence......

5) What the hell is up with the Cooking Oil ads during the t20 world cup??

6) North Korea acted funky again and blasted two more nuclear missile thingy's....... I think it's Kim Jong Il is trying to prove to his South Korean counterpart who's got the bigger dick (have you seen how small Il is??) but if general Chink pron goes both are gonna have equally small dicks (Smaller even than our own brown Dicks...... on a side note the dick size meter is: Yellow Dick< Brown Dick< White Dick< Black "Godzilla" dick)

on another note: Indians should stop calling others Racists. Indians are by default the pinnacle of Racist culture... not that it's a bad thing.... being politically incorrect is what we love to do.. We still refer to others on their skin color.... we are funky!

Heavenly Fun

2009-05-24T09:29:00.001-04:00

The one God: Yes! finally! no more Advani on the net......

The billions and trillions other Greek, Roman and Indian Gods together... "Hear! Hear!"

On earth, Advani suffers from a heart attack and for some funky reason is send right to heaven... (courtesy the gate man who was drunk from all that ambrosia)....

God: "Oh! Crap!... who let him in"

Allah: "Let me at him, let me at him....."

Advani: "Crap.... what am i doing in heaven...... is that allah running towards me... crap.... Ram... Ram!"

Ram: "Do i know you?"

Advani: "I'm your no. 1 fanboy! it's me Advani...... i have all the Ram action figure collectibles even the one that screams: ""Out of my palace unclean bitch!"" "

Ram: blink... blink

Advani: "What?"

there is a new entry through the pearly gates.. "Hello?? Hello?? (enter Tamil English Accent!)

God: "Lucifer damnit! who let the moron in???? fire the gate man... Peter.... Peter!!!!" God exits

Half-a-head Tiger: "Where am I?"

Ram: getting pissed slowly.... "Are you from the land of Ravana?"

Tiger: "yes.... but seriously... where am I?"

Ram: clenching his teeth......"Heaven"

Advani: "Do you want me to kick his ass Ram?? do you??"

Ram: "no... as long as i want to kick his Lankan ass... there is someone who wants kick it more..."

Advani: "Who??"

Rama points towards a screaming man who is proving the Doppler Effect as he comes closer.... a huge Garland is seen in his hand........ he is screaming: "Have you seen the pictures of my wife when she was young... have you?? you made me miss that ass for years!!! paybacks a bitch!!!!"

Tiger: "Crap!".... *booooooom!*

Advani: "Wo... that was weird"

God appears out of nowhere... "Well the council of higher gods have decided that you can stay in heaven for a while"

Advani: "Coooooool!"

God: "However there is a condition... you need to pay a visit to a councilor..."

Advani: "What councilor????"

God: "Him".. points his finger.....

Advani: "Oh god no..... noooooooooooooooo!!"

A loin cloth wearing half-naked man is seen arriving on the scene.... "Now now... Lalkrishna.... violence doesn't solve anything.... non-violence is the key"

Advani: "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

The end

Tiger, Tiger Burning Bright!

2009-05-19T12:43:00.000-04:00

The rare green/yellow tiger, endangered since Early this year has been declared extinct by authorities today.

The human race has once again destroyed a species of rare animal.

The green/yellow tiger Pantera garlandblast-as had the emerald isles as it habitat although the species had been known to migrate to the shores of Tamil Nadu to find its brethren the Pantera dalitis (the Dalit Panther). Biologist and humanitarians have characterized the Green/yellow tiger to have the following characteristics

1- They are know to have massive paunches

2- Their mental sanity was in question after members of the species tried to attack a city flying a propeller plane

3- Members of Homo sapiens, sapiens sub-species: Black Gogglus massive fuckus were known to have affinity for the Alpha male of the tiger which some scientists are questioning to be of sexual nature

4- The tigers are known for their affection towards flowers and the female of the species are known to make Garlands. The homo sapiens are advised to stay away from these garlands as it leads to early death by blowing your brain's off!

The animal rights group PETA showed their support towards the maintenance of these magnificent creatures by running around naked in the streets of Chennai. However in the middle of their protest they realized that KFC was serving delicious chicken instead of the promised soya and decided to change their protests.

In the dying days of the Tiger, the alpha male decided to run an internet smiley face moment taken from Advani's book but seeing how that turned out, he decied that suicide was a better way out.

The black market tiger poacher's from China was confused about whether they should skin the hide of the Tiger's and add the bones of these majestic animals in their potent and omni-present Tiger Balm.

The rest of the Sri-lankan army are happy and in part confused over the tiger incident. They know that they have gotten rid of a major man-eater threat but have doubts over their future as basically they have know no other role as armymen expcept to hunt tigers. India has assured SRi-lanka that it is not going to invade the emerald island, but sources say that Zardari has discussed with the ISI that trying to take over India is passe now. He has his beady little eyes set on the emerald isle next. so there is some job for the sri-lankan army yet.

Elsewhere the Pantera Dalitis and the Homo Goggled fuck-is don't know whether they should protest the death of a majestic species or stay quite and allow John Q. Vikramasinghe to celebrate.

The end

Sitar Wars!

2009-05-07T17:44:00.001-04:00

The Imperial March is heard.

a hooded man is seen to come out of the team bus, followed by a lithe helmet dude, followed by people looking eerily like troopers but with red colors instead of the usual white........

Another team bus comes

A brown cloaked man comes followed by several other men

Its Team Sith Vs. Team Jedi

Its the Dark Vs. The Light

Its good Vs. evil

Its Dick's Vs. Footballers

It's FanU Vs. Barca

Yes ladies and gentleman...... the final is set..... its gonna be one of epic proportions..... the Red Devils Vs. The Unicef.........

A battle will be fought for the good of the Game

The emperor (bespectacled): "Yes! The game shall fall to the dark side once m

The brown cloaked man "Stop you my players will........ not fall again to the Dark Side the game will......"

The emperor: "The dark side is too powerful for the likes of you Guarda...... it will fall"

Guarda: "Apprentice of mine... defeat you they will"

Another brown cloaked man comes: "I will destroy you..... I am Muke Liowalker"

The Helmet steps out (Tries Deep Baritone voice but fails miserably): "We shall see!"

Another man steps in, wearing a snazzy design thingy (what do you expect... he's french): "I;ll help you kid...... I am Hen Tholo"

Helmet: "you shall fall to the dark side of the football.... muwahahahahahahaha..........." (again fails miserabely in his laugh)

Muke: "The Football will always be with us!"

Helmet: "I am Lord 'Gay'der..... and you will bow down to me insolent one.... according to the FIFA I am your daddy!"

Muke: Gets pissed..... wears his Light Adidas and kicks 'Gay'der on his foot

Gayder: Opens his helmet.... inside a crying weeping childs face is seen...... he keeps on making weird facial expression till he just drops down breaks into howls of pain.....

Muke: "Whose your daddy now?"

The emperor: "God damnit"(enter Eric Cartman voice) ... Referee.... Refereee

Unfortunately in space there is no referee available.......

The Star Wars Fanfare begins.......

Good has once again triumphed over Evil.......

The FIFA is once against made pure!

The End

Korbo Lorbo.....

2009-04-30T03:15:00.000-04:00

I enter my usual hair cutting saloon in my hometown, sit down on the chair and tell the barber to give me one regular 25Rs. haircut... he goes to fetch his instruments.... i look around..... i get a very disturbing feeling in my stomach.... the bile rises to my throat... my eyes bulge out from their sockets!

Men! Grown ass men! all around me! with Mudpacks on their Faces!

Some had applied some 800Rs. Shanaz Hussain pack (The pack apparently assured them that it had real gold in the cream).....

Some had their hair pulled up in clips while they dyed their hair in colors costing about 600Rs.... and that too a hideous shade of Golden Yellow (Imagine the VIT University convocation robe if you have ever seen it)

Some were applying something that had to do with the freshly plucked rose from the garden.

I got my 25Rs haircut and got out as soon as possible before i feel left out.

Then on the short walk to my home i figured that why I don't do what these other men do:

1- The next time i ask my dad for 600Rs. for a facial i might need a facial reconstruction surgery instead

2- I am fairly black.... i will remain fairly black... i want to stay fairly black no matter what Shanaz Hussain says

3- My hair is grey with black patches.... i like my hair grey with black patches.... i don't want to color my hair anything from the Visible Spectrum!

4- I am a guy. Metrosexuality is the worst thing that has hit men of the world..... next thing you know we all look like our good Chinese friends (Seriously.... people who have not seen a metrosexual Chinese guy with another Female its very difficult to know the sexes....)

5- I am an Indian.... No matter what we do.... no matter how much we pay... we will remain a race of brown people with copious amounts of hair on our bodies....

Now on to sports

(people who do not like filthy language should not be reading this)

I live in a city! A city which is pretty good in my opinion! Its produced national heroes, all of India's Nobel Laureates and some other people who i dont really care about.

Then came a man to our city and decided that he is going to use the name of the city to promote Cricket.

He called his team, the Kolkata Knight Riders (I can almost hear David Hasselhoff screaming "KITT, turbo boost" in my head)

He chose an Australian to coach his team...

The rest is history....

Lets use a bit of fuzzy logic shall we??

When did the team win last time in the previous IPL? go through the Sharukh Khan guest list and I am sure you will find Karan Johar in that list the day the team won.

So the day Karan Johar comes... the team lines up along with the Badshaah and as motivational method all of the team has to suck Karan Johar's cock!

Fine by that.... Karan Johar is Happy... Shrukh Khan is happy and the team kick ass!

This time Sharukh Khan goes international completely and offers a fine selection of Australian dick to his men.... the problem is it is widely proven that Indian mouths are highly allergic to Australian sausages.....(Refer to the last world cup debacle)

Thus i impore you sharukh.. on your trip back to India please oh please go and suck Karan's Dick again and bring him back to south africa with you so that our team can perform.....

Thats it till now!

Blah!

2009-04-24T09:16:00.001-04:00

Random thoughts from a Biologicaly insane mind:

Sounds associated with certain people-

1- Lalit Modi- Kaching Kaching Kaching

2- Cristiano Ronaldo- Oooh! aah! Ouch.. ooi maa!

3- Varun Gandhi- D'oH!

4- Zardari- Mama! Mama! followed by the sound of a rattle, rattled by Qureshi.... followed by a giggle from Zardari

5- Himesh- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooonh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanh!

Hypothetical Conversation between Manmohan Singh and Zardari:

Zardari: "Goo goo!"

MM: "Hello! Who is this??"

squeels of baby like laughter is heard on the other end

MM: "Who the fuck is this??? it better be not you LK!"

from the telephone line a hazy voice of Qureshi "Its Asif Ali!"

MM: "Zardari???"

Zardari: "Goo goo! Gaa Gaa!"

MM: "Hmmmm.,, what do you want??"

Zardari: "Gaaa gaaa... goo goo???"

MM: "What the hell?"

Qureshi's voice: "He is asking whether India is ready to take the responsibility for the recent Talibanization of Pakistan and flogging of the girl?"

MM: ".............."

Zardari: "Goo goo?

MM: ".............."

Qureshi: "So?????"

the line is cut.... a beeping tone is heard.........

Zardari: "Gaaa! gooo gooo gooo gaa gaa!"

Qureshi: "Yes! Yes! you can have your milk bottle back now!"

Today's Asif Ali Zardari award for general retardness goes to:

Drum rolls... one snare roll followed by a tom roll followed by rapid blast beats on the Double Bass

Maneka Gandhi: Who? - Some Lady

Why? - For starting a campaign to remove the names of animals from proverbs and idioms as it is too inslulting (e.g: she wanted to remove the idiom its raining cats and dogs as it can never rain cats and dogs and it is insulting to them). Also on a side note she gave birth to another Mentally Challenged moron, The Pilbhit ka sikander- Varun Gandu

Star Wars: Teh Pilbhit Saga

2009-04-16T18:10:00.000-04:00

Election booth:

Election booth man: "Next"

a heavy asthmatic sound is heard... labored breathing.... in walks a man wearing black robes.....

Deep Baritone: "I have come on behalf of the Emperor"

Man: "Kaun emperor???"

Baritone: "The Dark lord Sith!!"

Man: "Sith nahi janta bhaisahab! Election commision ka admi hai kya??"

Baritone: "No! He is the one true emperor of all galaxies foolish human"

Man: "Arre isko hata be idhar se... aree security!"

Lean, mean and malnourished CRPF dude comes

CRPF : "Kya mangta be?"

Baritone: "I have come on behalf of his one true emperor the Dark Lord of the Sith......"

CRPF: "Kaun?"

Baritone: "Sith??? Dosn't ring a bell I see.... well master did tell me to use his Earth name in case of Emergencies..... you foolish humans call him Varun

Gandhi!"

CRPF: "Arre wo Gandu phir se kya kiya??"

Baritone: "I am to use the powerful Dark Side of the force to make voters in Pilbhit vote for him..."

CRPF and Poll booth dude baffled... little scared.... after all its the Force.....

Then the CRPF man turns to black cloaked Baritone Asthmatic.....

CRPF: "Bhai sahab apko jo bhi karna hai kar lijiye....yeh Apka Varun Gandhi... hai to pura Gandu.... lekin usko to Khali Pilbhit Lena hai.... le lo

bhaiyya.... vote mil jayega.... hum dilwaenge usko Vote....aap ko khali ek kaam karna hai!!"

Baritone: "What do you want foolish human???"

CRPF and countless other voters across India are heard through the FM 101.666 'FM Force- May the Force be with you'

"Please! Oh please! Use the evil power of the force to make Mayawati not want the Prime Ministers post"

Suddenly a small green creature appears

Creature: "Hear that you will! The Dark Side of the Force you must use! Give the blessings, the Jedi"

Baritone is baffled beyond anything......

"What the fuck???"

The End

Elections are yup!

2009-04-08T02:19:00.001-04:00

Election Randomness

With the elections up there are lot of questions that are plaguing my mind..... Lots of What ifs?

The greatest most dangerous What if is: What if Mayawati becomes PM?

- New law is added onto the constitution- On the birthday of the Prime Minister it is the duty of every single citizen of the country to send gifts worth 200Rs or more to the Prime Minister. Failure to do so will lead in brutal flogging by party cadres.

- Imagine a G20 summit in England.

Mayawati meets the Queen.

Mayawati: Eyes all glistening. points at the queens crown "I want that"

Queen: Enter aristocratic British Accent here "No! You can't"

Mayawati: "I pay 20 crore Rs."

Queen: "Who is this mad fool???"

Random Aide: "Indian PM mum!"

Queen: "God damnit.... we should have never left the country... my answer is no!"

Mayawati: "Okay! 50 crore Rs."

Queen: "Gaurds! Execute her!!!"

The Tower of London has a new guest.......somewhere from the tower this is heard "No??? Okay! final offer 70 crore Rs."

There are advantages off-course once the election gets over

After the elections are over, im pretty sure Advani's mug is gonna disappear from the world wide web. Its getting pretty irritating nowadays when you visit websites and every single one of them has Advani's face on them prompting you to go to lkadvani.in

The most promising talent of this years election however has been our very own man of the hour..... Varun Gandhi.

Varun Gandhi- Stupid or just brain dead? This is a question that will never be answered however because most electorial candidates have suffered from some form brain disease in their early childhood. In Varuns case it is far more prominent as his mother is Maneka Gandhi. Maneka Gandhi is the woman who in one of her articles wrote that the name of the animals should be removed from proverbs such as: "its raining cats and dogs, Crocodile tears etc." as it disrespects the animals and animal lover. Yeah rite! So retards spawn retards and in Indian elections reverse reverse Darwinism applies..... Survival of the retardest...... so im pretty sure if Varun Gandhi stands for elections, thousands of trishul bearing, Ram loving, slogan shouting morons across the country will vote him to power!

Thats it for now!

My face is like an open book!

2009-04-05T15:07:00.001-04:00

Books i would love to read in the future:

The man who did not suddenly become a retard and did not sell his ferrari to become a monk- Its about a man who kept his ferraris and became insanely rich

The green/yellow tiger- The life and times of our glorious fat paunched leader the one, the only Mr. Prabhakaran

Love in the times of AIDs- A beautifully crafted modern romantic master piece. Certified fresh by the Weird hat wearing boss man from the Vatican.

Hitchhikers guide to Internet Porn- Beautifully written with the words DONT PANIC- We have got custom password hacks for all sites printed on the first page. Carefully researched by a trillion single men.

Its cool Yolanda- A guide on how to be cool by Samuel L. Jackson- no description needed for this one.

How to make the camera go right into your face for a shot and then make one awesomly crappy movie with random Gods name popping up here and there- The history of Ram Gopal Vermas genius in now available in this 6000 page book. Govinda, Govinda, Govindaaaaaaaah!

How to play the guitar like jimi hendrix by himesh Reshamiya- Learn to play the guitar from the one chosen to be hendrix's successor by Lucifer himself.

One night at the bombshelter- a survivors tale in the streets of Lahore. learn how he escaped from being rocket launched to Mecca by some random men in an Autorickshaw. Surviving is not the best option. its the only option.

Bourne Infinatum- Jason Bourne rises from his grave along with a recently resurrected Zombie Ludlum and kicks ass in this new masterpiece.

Beedle the Fart- The continuation of the beedle the bard storyline. Stories compiled by Dobbie this time. contains 23 pages and costs 2300 $. Kaching Kaching Kaching!

Scarecrow returns- Join shane scofield in this new adventure where he tries to jump on a missile and change its course and in the meantime save the President of the united states and kicks Lex Luthors Ass for kicking Supermans Ass. (If you have not read the scarecrow series of books by Mathew o Reily read them now!)

To kill a black buck- The true life story of Salman Khan. You can kill everything on Gods green Earth but you cant kill a black buck as Salman so nicely found out

Self Help book on why self help books are absolute crap and shoudl be gotten rid of Immediately.

My experiments with porn- a true life account of my experiments with porn with excerpts from my porn soul brother!

My experiments with satyam- a true detailed account of Ramalinga Raju and his genius in scamming people. A must read for all future scammers.

Why animals which are not endangered or threatened must be killed and eaten by human beings regardless of whether they are sweet and cuddly- This book is written by me. yes! me! member of PETA(People who eat tasty animals) and talks about why you are obligated by evolution to eat things on the bottom of the food chain.

My experiments with fundamentalism- A Raj Thakerey masterpiece on his views about the true Indian race aka Marathi Manoos.... sieg heil mein fuhrer!

Rama, Rama kya hain yeh drama- the guide to BJP's manifesto

Bournvita quiz book (revised edition) - What color saree does Mamata Banerjee wear? How much food does she eat all day long? Why does she hate cpi(m) in the first place....... find out the answers to all these stupifying questions in the new edition of the cult classic bqc series.

Public Service Announcement

2009-04-04T15:48:00.002-04:00

You are sitting in a bus, or a restaurant or even in a bar. You are contemplating on a complex question. You are about to get that perfect answer. Then wham! it disappears. Why you ask? Because some random idiot wants you and the entire universe to know what sort of music he listens to.

Thats right. they are gonna use those Bose certified micro sized speakers in their phones to make you listen to the latest Linkin Park number or that latest Item number in which some random black dude does some uber cool hip hop thingy. On top that they will also discuss their awesomeness in listening to such music with their friends.

They simply dont get it do they? no one cares if they can paraphrase every word in the latest Jal song. If someone who does this is reading this please! I implore you. Use a bit more of what modern technology has to offer and use a headphone.

Lyrics to the greatest song ever written

2009-04-04T15:48:00.001-04:00

Male- Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights,
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights..

Female- Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights,
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights..

[Shama sharabi dono jahan sharabi,
Rutt rawa sharabi, dildar ve,
Hawa sharabi, teri ada sharabi,
Yeh fiza sharabi, dildar ve..] – 2 times

[Tanha tanha hai din,
Tanha tandoori nights,
If loving you is wrong,
I don’t wanna be right..]- 2 times

Rabba rabba meri jaan jale, jale, jale, jale..
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights,
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights
Tere bin tere bine meri jaan jale, jale, jale, jale
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights,
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights..

Tere sadke mein jau,
Karle aitbaar ve,
Tere dum se hi yaara,
Mera sansaar ve..
Tujhpe fida hai mere husn ki bahar ve,
Duniya se mujhko nahi, koi darkar ve,
Jiya yeh dhadhka, bada hi tadpa,
Laga jo tadka pyaar ka..
Mere zehen pe, mere jigar pe,
Nasha tere iqraar ka..

Tanha tanha hai din,
Tanha tandoori nights,
If loving you is wrong,
I don’t wanna be right..

Rabba rabba meri jaan jale, jale, jale, jale..
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights,
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights
Tere bin tere bine meri jaan jale, jale, jale, jale
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights,
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights..

Teri aashiqui hai mere jaan ka jahan ve,
Tujhse judi hai meri saari daastan ve,
Tujhe paa ke aaya mere,
Dil ko itminaan ve,
Faasle rahe naa koi,
Apne darmiyaan ve..

Teri lagan laagi, tere lagan laagi, teri lagan sunn yaar ve,
Teri agan jaagi, teri agan jaagi, teri agan dildar ve,
Tanha tanha hai din,
Tanha tandoori nights,
If loving you is wrong,
I don’t wanna be right..

Rabba rabba meri jaan jale, jale, jale, jale..
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights,
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights
Tere bin tere bine meri jaan jale, jale, jale, jale
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights,
Tak tana na na tandoori nights,tandoori nights, tandoori nights..

Complete Randomness

2009-04-04T15:47:00.001-04:00

Breaking news:

Researchers at Random University, Shitland, found out that everything causes cancer. Thats right! Everything from Windshield wiper to your moms handbag can cause cancer. According to the researchers there is no respite from Cancer... Run Forest! Run!

Random Movie quotes that should have been:

"Frankly my dear i dont give a rats ass!"

"Luke... I am your mother... muwahahahhaha"

"I dont think we are in Kansas in anymore..... infact where the fuck are we?"

"You looking at me??? ofcourse i am looking at you dickhead i am your reflection"

"I want an MGM vodka martini, shaken not stirred"

"I am spartacus..... well of course you are!"

"Close the iPod bay doors HAL"

"Life is like being in Pakistan, you never know when someone blows himself in front of you"

"I'll be back.... with your orders....."

Greatest most coolest living organisms award (gold, silver and bronze winners for this month):

1- Samuel L. Jackson- he sets the bar seriously..... always cool..... never toppled from the 1st postion
2- Zardari- close second.... seriously challenging Samuel
3- Varun Gandhi- challenging Zardari's position

Greatest most rocking-est rockstar award:

1- Himesh Reshamiya- the true rockstar
2- Enrique Iglesius- Legend!!!
3- Paris Hilton- the greatest woman rockstar of them all

Most Relaxing holiday destinations in the world:

1- Lahore- enjoy the streets of lahore...... gauranteed to make you want to live your life in the future if you come out alive

2- Sri-lanka- enjoy the sun, the sand and the occasionaly the rare green and yellow tiger

3- Bangladesh- Enjoy living amongst nature and all her disasters

Greatest literary characters of all time:

1- Jesus H. Christ
2- Rama
3- He who should not be named

Greatest songs of all time:

1- Aap ka surooor
2- Tandoori nights
3- Toxic

thats it for today!

Lights! Camera! Action!

2009-04-04T15:46:00.002-04:00

Movies i want to see made

- "Rocky infinity"

Rocky balboa is now in his 80's. He challenges Muhammed Ali in a who's the better cripple match. Parkison prone Ali still kicks Rocky's ass. And we are treated to 10 minutes of Rocky shouting "Adriaaann!"

- "Friday the 13th. Jason goes to Mumbai"

Jason gets his ass handed over to him when he travels to Mumbai. Trying to kill people he meets up with some Marathi Manoos who treat him as Northy and beat the shit out of him. Jason vows to leave the killing people business and now is a board certified Dabbawala.

- "Shaktiman the movie"

Seriously? Its gonna be the coolest superhero movie ever. Forget the Dark Knight.... move over Joker, Samrat Kilwish is gonna kick some Shaktiman booty.

- "RGV's Aap ka Suroor"

Ten times the action. Ten times the drama. Ten times the auto rickshaws. Ten times the music. Himesh Reshamiya as Himesh Reshamiya in the veteran directors take on this Bollywood classic. From the people who brought you such classic hits like RGV's Aag, Darling and Nishabdh

- "Deep Purple"

From director Sanjay Leela Bhansali comes this movie. The entire movie is in a deep purple hue as you can guess. First there was Devdas(Red), then There was Black(self explanatory), then there was Saawariya(Blue) and now there is Deep Purple. Warning: Does not have anything to do with the hard rock act. Rock enthusiasts are warned before hand to not attend the show.

- "Kabhi Alvida na kehke Kuch Kuch bolna"

The latest in K series by Karan Johar Aditya Chopra and Khan co. KKNKKKB is a journey of love between and a man and a woman (If you have not guessed that already). Rahul(Khan) [looks 45 but plays the role of 25 year old kid] falls in love with his college chemistry teacher Mira(Kareena Kapoor) and thus unfolds a tale of forbidden love. With 10 songs and 2 item numbers.

- "Murder Rape Kill Kill"

The latest in the Hashmi Series by Mahesh Bhatt. It is a tale of corruption. of greed. Of power and of course of sex. Starring Emraan Hashmi as the cool but corrupt dude and Kangana Raunat who eventually commits suicide in the end. Contains a instant Jal C# scale guitar classic. The song talks of Love in a sad note. Instant hit with the uber cool rock n00bs.

- "Schweindog"

The story about a Jewish Orphan boy growing up in the Polish Ghetto during the 1929. Eventually he grows up resenting his own people and becomes a Nazi worker. on top of that he is homosexual. Sure to win more oscars than Titanic. See this monumental movie about Gay Jewish Nazi Slumdog this august.

- "Pirates of the Carribean: Modern Times"

Enter Jack Muhammed Bin Laden. A Somali pirate hell bent on getting supertankers in the Gulf of Aden. Action , Adventure and Johnny Depp as Jack Bin Laden.

- "Zardari: true story of a living Retard"

Follow the life of the most intelligent Person to hold the reigns of Pakistan since qaid-e-azaam himself. The dude exudes class, confidence and a outright stupidity not seen since George "Dubya" Bush. Directed by Ron Howard, the film follows Zardaris life from childhood when he was diaganosed with clinical retardness. Cry at his struggles to become a leader. Laugh at his "Pakistan is not responsible for _________________ (enter random world event)" quotes.

- "Marathi Manoos- The movie"

The story of a walking talking Marathi Manoos kicking the ass of that Bhojpuri dude and other random Northies, Southies, Easties, Westies, North-easties, Centralies, Foreigners, E.T, Independence Day ALiens, Chewbacca and any sentient being not a Marathi Manoos. Financed by Raj Thakarey himself. Directed by Ram Gopal Verma. Starring Ajmal Kasab as the Marathi Manoos.

- "Die Hard 4.231... new updates available since January"

John McClane still kicks bad guy ass in this new version of the movie. He still kills a gazzilion terrorist buy doing awesome stunts as jumping from a f-22 raptor onto the street and not getting a single scratch. And in the end he still is cool when he says: "Ippecaye Mother Fuckers (the second most cool saying of motherfucker in movie history. The 1st best obviously goes to Samuel L. Jackson in any random movie with his greatest quote being: 'I'm tired of these motherfuckin snakes on the motherfuckin plane')

"Jyotishka Ray- Life and times of an emotional and mental retard"

Follow the gifted childs journey through childhood, his surprise in finding Pornography, his joy in getting 6 out of 100 in Maths in Pre Boards, his Joy in Getting into VIT, his joy in leaving VIT, His Joy in joining VIT again, The surprise he got when he tasted MGM premium Vodka for the first time... etc.... Already voted by Roger Ebert as the Worst Movie Ever Made... Critics have compared the movie to be as enjoyable as watching an orphanage on fire.

Extra Extra

2009-04-04T15:46:00.001-04:00

These are the news articles I want to see in the first page of the Newspaper:

- "Pakistan finaly accepts"

Prime Minister Zardari finally accepted today that Pakistan was behind the Mumbai Terror attacks. In a brief moment of clarity he also confirmed that Pakistan has also kidnapped the Loch Ness monster, Recaptured the Roswell alien and tamed an yeti.
Unfortunately, according to Zardari, Pakistan was not behind the current economic recession as it has no economy. He confirmed that he is a huge fan of Enrique Iglesius and secretly has a huge crush on Sonia Gandhi. When asked why he was telling all this, Zardari replied that he was very on stoned on some Karachi Purple Haze.
He ended his press meet by showing a finger to the ISI.

- "Bush plays a practical joke"

Ex President George Dubya Bush admitted that the economic recession started of as a badly timed Aprils Fool joke last April. The world public was not amused.

- "Dogs insulted by Slumdog Millionaire"

The street Dogs Union of India launched a complaint today in the Mumbai High Court saying that they have been defamed heavily by the Oscar winner Slumdog millionaire. Roadside Romeo, hopeful filmstar and street Dog led thousands of Street dogs in a protest march in the city of Mumbai. The dogs vowed to spread Rabies if the film was not renamed Slum Millionaire. They were supported by members of PETA who went around the city naked and caused quite a commotion. On other news it was confirmed that due to the nakedness Pornography downloads in the city of Mumbai was at a record low in 5 years.

- "God embarassed by his followers"

The one God, the true father called a press conferance of his own today and confirmed that he in no way supported the Vatican. His exact words were: "People of earth. I deny any knowledge whatsoever in my dealings with the pope. I tried to create a normal leader but somewhere along the way his brain became tad bit retarded. I confirm o earthlings Condoms do not spread AIDS."

- "Scientist confirms new disease"

A group of Scientist in Harvard Labs found out a dangerous disease that has its epicentre in India. The source of this disease is a super Virus called APKaSURUR-1. Long exposure to the Virus may lead to loss of function in the cerebral cortex especially to the auditory regions. Symptoms also include nausea, weightlessness, Hallucinations, closing up of the nose and in certain cases Pregnancy. Scientists are trying to develop a new Antivirus called AcDcMeTFloyd-1. The antivirus is in Phase-3 of trials.

- "The pope blasts Rock and Roll."

In an unprecendented attack on Music, the new pope declared that Rock and Roll is noise pollution and Rock and Roll is going to die.

- "God apologizes again"

The alpha omega corporation held another late night press conference apologizing to the Rock and Roll fans. Confirming reports the chairman of the company Mr.God said that he will be reincarnating Jimi Hendrix soon along with other dead rockstars to make amends for the Church.

- "Mamata Banerjee at it again"

Miss Banerjee today stopped the building of an Eco Friendly Bio-fertilizer factory aas the building of the factory will lead to thousands of farmers loosing their livelihood. Public are baffled.

- "RGV to remake RGV's AAG"

Ram gopal Verma has decided to remake his own movie RGV's AAG. Unfortunately no one in the industry is willing to sign for his films. The only lone response for casting came from Ajmal Kasab to play the role of Dhannu.

- "BCCI vows to keep cricket and politics apart"

BCCI has vowed to keep cricket and politics apart. Announcing the landmark move the Board has announced that there new Chairman Narendra Modi has vowed to keep politics apart from cricket. The selection commitee announce that Zaheer Khan, Irfan Pathan and the other Pathan wont be playing the next series

- "Aamir khan turns up for an award"

The legendary no show actor turned up in an awrd ceremony to receive the award of Florence Nightingale selfless acts in India and Narcissus the naricissist of the year aaward. in other news Aamir has announced that he is to build a googleplex ab body keeping up with the modern trend

- "Prabhakaran spotted in TASMAC bar"

Maverick Tamil Tiger leader were spotted by some University students (name withheld) in the local TASMAC, Tamil Nadu Alcohol shops. When asked how they identified him the students simply said that after3 bottles of MGM premium vodka, Prabhakarn started talking non-sense about the Colombo Bomb plans and passed out. When asked the students said that he looked like every other common man in TN without his signature GAY green/Yellow fatigues

The end

Heavenly meet

2009-04-04T15:45:00.002-04:00

Upstairs in the shiny place where Angels play and the Apsaras Dance

The great ones.... the mighty Beings..... the holy Gods all gather at one place.....

God (Morgan freeman): "Whats up niggahs"

Brahma (Amitabh Bachhan): stoic with his myriad heads and all "Sshhhh..... you dont want to disturb Mrs. Brahma.... We had a fight last night about who should wash the dishes... All that banquet in heaven and we get to clean... seeesh!"

God: "So what you upto???"

Zeus (Looks suspiciously like Dumbledore): "Indian elections are coming up. We're just parting the clouds and looking at the fun!"

God: all giddy and excited "Really?? So whats new in this years election drama dudes?"

Krishna: Flares up his aamir khan 45 pack and says "This years whole lot fun than last year.. we got new Players and Old Players"

God: "Tell me something funky man!"

Rama: "Well my greatest fan girl, Advani keeps showing up in unexpected places in the world wide web pointing his fingers at the youth of tomorrow and asking them to vote for him."

God: "Oh thats irritating man.... I am on google talk with Lucifer when an adware programm called Ram4eva.win32 worm kept on popping his mug. Do something about it!"

Rama: "Trying to..... but as for now got my hands full with Pramod and his pink underwear... what a waste..."

God: "What else?"

Thor: not the Comic hero silly, the actual mighty thor with his hammer and all "Well the other coolest thing about this years election is the IPL drama!"

God: "What the hell is the IPL?"

Thor: "Its a cricket thing. Called Indian Premier League for some reason although it is being held in South Africa"

God: "Weird"

Rama: "Ill tell you whats weird. The politicians trying to make the thing a political issue.... I mean the Chiddu and Narendra croos talk is too much to handle..... Chiddu has a point though..."

God: "YOu Indians are whack!"

Brahma: sighing "I know!"

God: "So... the coolest things about this years elections has nothing to do with elections??"

Brahma: "hmmmmm..... annnnhh... hmmmmmm..... yeah thats about right!"

God: "YOu indians are whack!"

Brahma: a little pissed this time "I know..... listen dont be giving me the weird eye about creating them man.... Mrs. Brahma has been bugging me to tweak and change my children for eons.... every time i try to change them Shiva does his destruction dances and ruins everything! I cant help it if my children turned out this way!"

Shiva: looks like every other hippy you know.... completely stoned from all the shiv ratri and Holi bhang "Heyyyyyyyyyyy.... i resent that man.... i mean look at me man.... i like pot and all and i like to trip out to some Jimi Hendrix all rite? Since when is a little head banging a crime?"

Brahma: "Well dont be calling us whack. the apple doesnt fall far from the tree. Look at your people!Condom spreads AIDS??? yeah rite"

God: "mumble mumble mumble"(imagine muttly from Dick Dastardly)

Brahma: "Okay now you guys get out of here... Mrs. Brahma will be pissed if anyone disturbs her Kkyu ki Durga bhi kabhi bahu thi!"

God: "You Indians are whack!"

The end

From Heaven

2009-04-04T15:45:00.001-04:00

A chat with Morgan Freeman.

By some luck or unfortunate event Morgan Freeman ends up in my room wearing a white suit.

God: "Where the fuck am I?" (Enter cool black accent here)

Me: "You are in Hellore Oh Alpha-Omega!"

God: Dumbfounded... "Crap! I said Bangalore not hellore.... Crap!" shouts in his usual i'll smite you oh king of egypt voice "Gabriel you moron!!"

Me: stoned as usual finds that voice really trippy "Hey! Chill man! Relax! want a toke?"

God: "Ahhhhh! Is this what Jimi was talking about? I created the grass and all... never new this was that good.... now that i remember your God Shiva told me something about this eons ago."

Me: "Hehehehehee"

Me: "So God man... you created the Earth and all right?"

God: "Pfffft"

Me: "No?"

God: "You gone crazy niggah? I dont have that much time too create the world and all... I maintain its daily order and just like to see you humans interact and all but i didnt make you!"

Me: "So all those scientists were right? We started from small molecules to monkeys and then Man.."

God: "Hell yeah! only my crazy followers will think that i made a nude man and a woman to start with, smited them for eating an Apple was it? and threw them out of paradise and stuff!"

Me: "So there was no Adam and Eve?"

God: "YOu crazy brother! why the hell will I make a Nude man and a woman? I Knew you will evolve in the future and invent Pornography!"

Me: "So i'm related from a monkey?"

God: "Whats so bad about that? That day i met your Monkey God Hanuman. Not a very bright fellow..... told him to fetch me a burger, ripped off the entire Mc.Gabriels and landed it in front of me! Nice chap nonetheless..... Very pissed with some people. something to do with a pink boxer or something."

Me: "Hunh.... so you are saying evolution is the thing right?"

God: "Was there any doubt?"

Me: "Why dont u ask your gazillion followers who believe evoultion was shite..... they still call it Evilution....."

God: "Man o man.... why do we Gods get stuck with crazy people? The other day Rama was pissed with some some dude claiming to lead his army..... and i get them.... and now you have my Voice saying that condoms spread AIDS!"

Me: "What are you gonna do?"

God: "I was thinking of going Samuel L. Jackson on their ass! Have of seen that niggah? He is by far my coolest follower ever... people like him give my words and all a cool name... Ezekiel 25:17.... Hell Yeah!"

Me: "Pulp fiction too much?"

God: "I like tarantino......"

God: "Nice talking to you oh citizen of hell! how is Lucifer anyway?"

Me: "Busy busy busy! new admisssions are coming up to Hell! lots of soul to waste and all!"

God: "Nice!! so see ya around!"

Me: fully stoned at this point.... "Heeee heeee heee "

Boom like sound... Angels play some funky tune...... God Dissapears...

The End

disclaimer: Im religiously incorrect. Any resemblance to a living person or a dead motherfucker is purely intentional....

PS: "Please dont go Samuel L. Jackson on my ass oh might smiter!"

From Hell

2009-04-04T15:42:00.000-04:00

Being in Hellore I get the vistis from the Dark One himself (Mr. Satan, Beelzebub, Yamaraj, Hades or whatever you call him by).

This is what he had to say:

"I mean like dude.. been along for a long long time, laid many a soul to waste and all... but I have never seen talent in being a true Rockstar as I see in Himesh. He is evil man. The potential of that child to Rock is something i have never seen before. I have decided to strip Hendrix of his awesome Rock Powers and bestow the title of Satans Child on him and award him with the power to Rock in his Gharana!"

Me: "Wont Hendrix be pissed?"

Satan: "Hendrix? He is Passe! Just because there is a Black Pres doesnt mean that the Greatest Guitarist/Rocker of all time has to black! He was good and all but he was Windows 3.1 to Himesh's Vista man"

Me: "But doesnt everyone say Vista Sucks?"

Satan: blinks... dumb founded... "No Reply"

Me: "So its your final decision hunh? Strip Hendrix of his title?"

Satan: "Yeah man... cant be helped"

Booming voice appears...... (sounds eerily similar to Amitabh Bachhan/Morgan Freeman)

"Lucifer! You moron! I kicked you out of heaven for a good reason i see...... Thou art not responsible enough to hold the great man's Soul.... Hendrix is mine..... He Shall join Cliff Burton, Bon Scott, John Bonham and Keith Moon in Jamming with me to the tune of Hallowed be thy name in heaven"

bright lights... Hendrix's soul dissapears from Hell.......

In the distant there is roaring thunder which has uncanny resemblance to the opening notes of Hallowed be thy name..

And somewhere on Earth this was heard: "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo

oooooooonhhhhhhh AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaanh!---- Tandooooooooori Nights"

Satan: " I have made a big mistake havnt I?"

Me: "No Duh Prince of Darkness"

Satan: "Crap!"

The end

PS: I have blatantly copied a Rolling Stones song lyric. Im not responsible in any kind. Please dont sue me Mick Jagger Sir!

PSS: Im telling you Satan was really stoned... Note the Californian accent!

Rock on!

2009-04-04T15:41:00.000-04:00

The greatest threat to Rock n' Roll to the purists came from 2 Things:

1- The movie Rock On- Decent Movie with decent music. But the feeble knowledged mass of India whipped it up like the word of Jimi Hendrix himself.(To most indians its still that weird black dude who plays good guitar and according to some better than Kurt Cobain). Suddenly Rocking is cool. Rock On is the new catchphrase of the musically retarded. Songs with decent riffs and catchy bollywoody lyrics are now the most rocking, most mind numbingly guitar riffingly good songs the retards have ever come across. Let's Rock is the new mantra. "Where are you going tonight?" "Oh to the club, the new disco to Rock Out!"- You do not go to the disco to rock out people.. You go there to listen to up tempo numbers with weird noises the DJ makes by scratching the discs which sound eerily familiar to bowel movement on overdrive.(On a side note... Recently there was a DJ Tiesto concert in Hyderabad- Seriously? DJ concert? its okay if you want to listen to it on headophones or when you are really drunk and groping your girlfriend in a Disco and all but a concert??). Pay some respect to the Devil's Music. Its Music that has survived ages and dont piss of puritans by saying "It's my life/Summer of 69- kya gana hai yaar.... kyaa guitaring... bhai total rocking on".

p.s: If you really want to see these people come to VIT riviera's "rock show". they come in thousands.

2- Himesh Reshamiya- Need i say more? Did you see that atrocious show on Zee?? something to do with India's best singer thingy...... Rock Gharana??? Rock Gharana?? (if you could see me now you would see steam coming out my ears ala Tom and Jerry and my balls shrivelling up). He is India's first Rock star??? My ass he is.... my Anal Fissure(dont have one... serious) is a better Rock Star than him. Jai Matadi Let's Rock???? What some Shiv Shainik or VHP cadette forgot to go Rama Temple and turn up at the concert or what? Jesus Homer Christ.

Sure signs of a rock n' roll poser nOOb- the things they like:

1- Things Bryan Adams Summer of 69 is still the best he has heard
2- Highway to Hell??? Kya gaana hai yaar.... You shook me all Night Long?... Kaunsa band hai yaar.... itna chilla kyu raha hai??
3- Smoke on the Water- sorry to categorize this song but this song is just the perfect rock song for the nOOB.
4- Linkin Park- The greatest most awesome Metal Band on the planet- Yes some of their songs are decent but still... every song is the same... almost.. dont believe me?? check out the youtube video on linkin park spoof.
5- Jal- This Paki group was one of the original nOOb bands... every fuck with a guitar wanted to play those bar chords and act as cool as Emraan Hashmi(the greatest actor on earth since the Gingivitis on my teeth)
6- Kurt Cobain- Lord of all guitarists.... yes the dude can write three chord songs... and had really angsty lyrics and stuff.... but a good guitarist??? Jimi Hendrix just rolled in his grave(or rolled another joint along with God, Bon Scott and Cliff Burton)
7- Rock On- Kya cool hai yaar
8- Evanescence- need i say more??? "oe laundi Rock song ga raha hai yaar.... maast".... (Ever listen to Arch Enemy's Angela Gossow scream?)

PSS- If you see me using the word retard to often and you are offended I dont care..... Retarded people should be called retards and the handicapped should be called handicapped.

I end this note in the words of ACDC- "For those about to Rock.. We salute You"

Sorry state of affairs!

2009-03-02T03:18:00.000-05:00

Love thy neighbour as thyself!

One of the ten little instructions on the stone tablet made for Charlton Heston! But quite possibly one that the supreme grand poobah upstairs will for forgive an Indian for breaking. I mean look all around. The supremely intelligent BDR people in Bangladesh killed their own officers(over a pay debate?), LTTE tries very hard to bomb colombo with two propeller planes (wearing that god aweful greenish yellow commando costume made them that way i am sure), the Nepalis ofcourse are under a Maoist democratic rule and our favorite neighbour? They still dont have any clue what they want to do. I guess they still want to kill a lot of Indians but they cant risk losing another war. I wonder what the people actually do at the SAARC conventions? I am telling you they probably play CS over the lan each trying to pwn one another(except the bangladeshis: they always get pawned)

I am Bored!

2009-01-15T10:40:00.000-05:00

Firstly!

Have a Happy New Year folks! Hope you dont die!

Secondly..... Dude Opeth in Saarang! Woo hoo! Lots of Headbanging and booze next weekend people!

Thirdly---- I am Shit bored! I mean positively stark raving mad bored! Nothing to do but grow old and think of the future, the past and the present..........

Spare a moment!

2008-12-01T04:38:00.000-05:00

Spare a moment ladies and gentlemen to remember all those who have laid their lives for protecting others during one of the darkest day in the countries history! May watever superior being is out there grant them some amount of peace in their afterlife....... Kill all the politicians i say! there should be a bloody coup by the students or atleast someone with enough brains to run the country.... seesh.... what a sorry state of affairs.... on a final note i think what gandhi said some time ago holds true even now: an eye for an eye leaves the hold world blind....
On a merrier note my univ exams are finally over.... yeahhhhhhh!!!! up yours terrrorist machhas!!!!! (both the college admin and the true terrorists!!!!)

Ill Kill You

2008-05-23T13:53:00.000-04:00

Thats me!!!

I decided to join the Vellore version of the Hamas!!

Yep!! All you people!!! Beware.... The Twin Blocks of VIT Mens Hostel are soon gonna feel my wrath......

My Demands Are:

I need Meat, Booze and ummmmm...... yeah u guessed it!!!

JihaD!

Taste me you will see.. More is all you need!!

2008-05-11T13:17:00.000-04:00

Oh yes!!!! ladies and gentlemen non-veggies are in the house!!! literally!! back to homeland and my stomach keeps on pointing towards creatures you might find unnervingly cute. If you are a vegetarian and want to protest against my excess non-veg habits please don't bug me..... if you are a PETA activist unless you give me access to Pam Anderson 24/7 the deals off mate!! all these innocent looking creatures are gonna make my existence a little more peaceful for a few days.....

Sweet home Kolkata!

2008-05-09T09:59:00.000-04:00

Train wheels keep on turning,
Carry me home to see my kin.
Singing songs about homeland,
miss Kolkata
once again And I think its a sin, yes.

Sweet home kolkata
where the skies are so blue
Sweet home kolkata
Lord, Im coming home to you.

In Tamil Nadu they love the governor
Now we all did what we could do
Now Nandigram does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you? Tell the truth.

yes babes! my newest sweetest rip off lyrics sweet home kolkata!! hope i dont die in a plane crash as well.......

Long time- No RamblE!

2008-05-03T02:08:00.000-04:00

Yo people!

wat up men? life sucks at hellore as usual...... God decided to send his overpowering blessings on us and literally showered us with the "Sunshine of his love"--- come on that was a cool rock n' roll reference joke wasn't it??? anyways exams are almost over in hell..... another day left and its environmental time..... next i will be writing a entry i will be in home sweet home where it's hot but there is the invention man created called an air conditioner that helps a lot!

Proud to be a commie!

2008-04-05T01:48:00.000-04:00

Yep!

The corridoor from hell has lots of commie bastards roaming around. This picture proves it.... the Commie comrades rule and you can't do a thing.... we will take your land and reclaim it for ourselves.... Lenin Rulz

Oh the heat!

2008-04-02T07:25:00.000-04:00

The beautiful Vellore heat returns with a vengeance..... and this time she has as ally... Enter her champion- Humidity. The absolute horror of eating a full yet awesomely crappy lunch and then going to mind numbingly boring classes in this heat is something one should experience to be wiser in life. Had a mind crunchingly boring day today with seminars being delivered here and there.... problem is most people take it seriously while i dont..... and what topics........

......And Justice For All

2008-03-26T12:05:00.000-04:00

The latest Questionable content post and it had me in tears..... what is it i like about QC you say???? Inside jokes are too cool! If you have no idea what QC is check it out at questionablecontent.net

Come with me if you wanna live!!!

2008-03-26T11:46:00.000-04:00

Yeah baby! the latest series to hit the hostel. defiantely worth a watch....

At least its not T3, and wat the hey there's a teenage terminator...........

lovely drama!!!

2008-03-26T11:41:00.000-04:00

Had another mystical night yesterday!

The Gin and Vodka were flowing like milk and honey and thanks to Bobo we had a brilliant head-rush...... the sugar really got to me and as usual i bunked two classes in the noon to get my sleep.......

The weather in hellore returns to normal ladies and gentleman!

2008-03-25T05:07:00.000-04:00

As you would know if you knew me at all i am currently a student...... studying at place i affectionately call Hellore(the feeling is not exclusive)। The place, not unlike hell, is very very hot indeed...... but recently Hellore has been plagued by a miracle.... no it has got nothing to with an old man with beards calling to let his people go and sending frogs raining to make his point(but heck we would love to have a messiah that can delvier us from not so different tyrants) but it rained... generally the rainy days are exclusive to exam time when we really dont want to study but now it was something else..... it happened on a 3 day weekend when we could just lie around in bed for the love of it and not worry about bloody class..... as usual being an intellectual and a bong one i blame it all on America not signing the Kyoto Protocol..... But that is somethig i will ramble about some other day...... but hey today the Sun returns in all its mighty glory browning the skins of fashionable ladies and effeminate boys...... and ladies and gentlemen with that totally idiotic ramble i bid you adieu!

My First Rambling

2008-03-24T05:28:00.000-04:00

O Hello people.
Probably you wont be reading this.... but if you are as you can clearly see if you have an ounce of intelligence this is my first blog post..... i have no idead what i am gonna write about so being an egotistical jerk i should start of with describing myself.... but being a bong and a very lazt one indeed(bongs and laziness goes hand in hand) i will just recommend you visit my orkut profile and find out about little old me.......