Heavenly Business

Our father, who art in heaven, is getting ready to have a telephonic conversation with his brother who art in hell.

Picks up the phone. There is no dial tone. *Blinks*

God: "Peter! Peter! What is happening? Why do i have no dial tone?"

No Reply from Peter.

God: "Jesus! Jesus! My Son are you there?"

Jebus: " Yes Father! What do you need me for?"

God: "Where is Peter?"

Jebus: "Ermmm... You are not going to like my answer"

Stern Expression on face. God: "Where?"

Jebus: ":Well! The Heaven and Hell gatekeeper's Union is on a strike demanding human treatment and better wages."

God: "What!!!!!!! Why?"

Jebus: "A Gentleman from Bengal came in a few days ago and convinced them to go on a strike"

God: "Damnation!!!!!"

God: "And My Phone?"

Jebus: "Heavenly Sanchar Nigam Limited is on a strike too"

God: "Who else is on a strike?"

Jebus: "Well Heavenly Hockey player's association and Jet Airways Earth to Heaven Pilots are on a strike, but thats nothing new"

Suddenly the phone rings.

God: "It seems HSNL has called off the strike"

Jebus: "So it would seem. See you later Father" Leaves.

God picks up the phone.

God: "Hello! this is the Alpha and Omega. Who is this?"

Voice on phone: "Hello. This is ND Tiwari. May i interest you in some girls half your age?"

God: "Excuse Me???"

ND: "May i interest you in some girls half your age so you can become a media sensation I am today? You do know you have lost some credibility on Earth what with crazy lunatics jumping on your chosen one and all. This will make you popular with the masses again."

God: "You do know you are talking to God right?"

ND: "You do know you are talking to a Sex God right?"

God: "Stop bothering me again you idiot or i will tell Zeus to a shove a lightning bolt so far up your ass that you will be able to provide power to the entire state of Telengana with your bowel movements." Hangs up the phone.

God: "stupid Humans. I should never have created them."

Phone Rings again.

God: "Listen you moron I am not interested in buying girls"

Voice on phone: "Oh no! I don't sell anything. Wait. I do sell books. A lot of them.... As i was saying Vidhu Vinod Khopra stole the idea of a movie from my book and did not give me any credit. I have gone as far as blocking him on Twitter saying: "Buddy, one more act of plagiarism from you and you are blocked okay?" He did not listen. He copied 2 states into something called 2 blue rumped baboons, the story of him and me. Do Something."

God: Blinks twice. Hangs up the phone.

Calls the phone number of the beast, 666-666-666.

Satan: "Yo G! Whats up Dawg?"

God: "Did you get a call from ND tiwari and an author?"

Satan: Yes i did bro! ND Tiwari is my mistake. He took the lust part a bit too seriously. And the author... Well! Lets put it this way. After Rakhi ka Swyamvar ended i was shit bored. And Raaz Pichle Janam ka simply does not work. I needed some entertainment bro."

God: "Well you better stop it now. Its not very entertaining when he asks you to be a mediator. Anyway do you have some hand in the the Rathore business?"

Satan: "Look. G. even i would not stoop that low. But I must say,I am looking forward to have some fun with him when he gets here. Something on the lines of an Iron Maiden, a rack and the DoCoMo jingle"

God: "That's gotta hurt! Anyway Talk to you later brother. I have to go and stop the Gatekeeper's Union from striking."

Satan: "Later Bro!"

The End.

Fasting for a cause

Fasting to get your demands met seems to be the new fad nowadays. After the dude, KCR did it for Telengana, the admirable supporters of "Gorkhaland" (I still have no idea what it is but in my minds eye i see it something like Disneyland.) are doing it. Even Kareena Kapoor seems to have done it to attain Size Zero Nirvana and a Size Zero Sony Vaio. Its such a rage that VLCC has started "Fast now for a cause and lose 20 kilos" and has one of the Gorkhaland supporters saying: "Hom 80 kilo ka tha, homra gorkhaland ke liye zaan de diya ab hom 60 kilo ka hai.Sukriya VLCC!" But these are petty things. There are some matters for which fasting unto death will truly be a noble cause. Here are some of them:

1. We fast unto death unless Himesh Reshamiya promises he will not act in any more movies.

2. We fast unto death unless Stephanie Meyer promises not to write any more Twilight books, not because of its literary value, but because of a small chance that no more Twilight movies shall be made.

3. We fast unto death till MENSA accepts that Rehman Malik is fit to be in MENSA.

4. We fast unto death till it is declared by people worldwide that INDIA TV is the greatest television news channel in the world.

5. We fast unto death till the Mayans are resurrected as Zombies and then hit in the balls for making silly predictions.

6. We fast unto death till Indian Channels promise us there won't be any Swayamvar type shows unless its T.Rajendar ka Swayamvar (I know he is married and has an offspring called Simboo, but still a man can hope right??)

7. We fast unto death till most of the members BCCI agrees to undergo a brain surgery to revive their dead brain cells.

8. We fast unto death till the 400 acres of land are returned to unwilling farmers and TATA...... wait... I am channeling Mamata Banerjee... damn it!

9. We fast unto death till the Government assures us that everyone with a broadband connection gets a free 500GB External Hard Drive.

10. We fast unto death till the DOCOMO ad is pulled off air for the sanity of mankind.

Feel free to ad more.

A Normal Day in Hell.

Down in the deepest darkest corner of Hell, the lord of Hell, Mr. 666 himself is enjoying a pleasant telephonic conversation with one of his many sons.


Lucifer: Yes Son. I am very proud of you. The way you present the news is really admirable...... Yes Son! Go! Go and host a panel discussion and remember you are not allowed to let your panel speak. Interrupt them. Bark at them. Be the judgmental little man i taught you to be. I'll see you in Hell next month? Good! Good!

*Satan hangs up and immediately the phone rings again*

Lucifer: Hello! Universal Exports, Hell Division. Who is this?...... The Railways?.... The Indian Railways you say? What do you want?.............. Let me get this straight. The honorable Minister of Railways wants to launch an Earth to Hell Duronto Express as a gift to the people of Hell and wants me to flag it off? No Stops you say? Interesting. Not a bad idea that. Faster access to hell. Good for the business. Tell your minister that i like the idea, but she has to give an assurance that this Duronto thing does not become a Gaisal thing.

*Satan hangs up mumbling something on the lines of "These Romans are crazy"*

Lucifer calls up the Heavenly one!

Lucifer: Yo G Man! Whats Happening Bro?

G-Man: A huge headache thats whats happening

Lucifer: Whats happened Bro?

G-man: I am getting tired of my Heavenly brother Rama laughing his ass off all the time. Something to do with Liberace or Liberhan he finds deeply amusing. Not your agent is he?

Lucifer: He was! Then he gave a report which was due in 2 months after a century. I fired his lazy ass. Anyway. Dude. Listen. You know something about hunger strikes and all that right?

G-man: Right! I know something about it. I told one of my sons a few tricks to get rid of some very naughty colonists.

Lucifer: Hmmm.. Look! I have a problem. One of the lower demons has gone on a fast and demands that i hand him a portion of Hell as Cockandbullgana Land. I have no experiences dealing with such non-violent means Bro!

G-man: What does he want to do with the land?

Lucifer: I have no idea. Apparently he is inspired from a half demon named Madhu Koda!

G-Man: Well. Try and Negotiate. Otherwise do what you do best.

Lucifer: You mean subject him to the torture of watching "Himesh Reshamiya's Radio" for all eternity?

G-Man: Isn't that a bit too harsh?

Lucifer: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

G-man: Okay. Talk to you later man. I got to go and watch Heavenly Big Boss 3. They have put Moses in with Ramses and the result is not pretty.

Lucifer: All right Bro! Peace out!

Beelzebub comes in: My Lord. You are scheduled to appear in Copenhagen in a while.

Lucifer: Sweet Antichrist! I forgot! But this time no Swedish Women for me. Look at what that squeaky clean Gillette guy got himself into.

Beelzebub: My Lord. You did send the waitress as a temptation.

Lucifer: Did I? enh.Who cares? By the way Beelzebub are my tickets for Avatar here yet? I have seen enough of Vegan Vampires trending in twitter. Time for some real Sci-fi biatches!

Beelzebub: They are here my Lord!

Lucifer: Good ! Lets go to Copenhagen!

The End

Bauxite in Hell

Beelzebub, the first duke of hell knocks on Lucifer's door.

B: "My Lord, there is a phone call for you!"

Silence from the other side

B: "My Lord?" no reply. shouting now "MY LORD?"

Lucifer takes off his noise-cancellation Hell-Bose headphones.

L: "brrrr.ahh... What the hell? who is it?"

B: "It's me my lord! what were you listening to?"

L: "Stairway to Heaven in reverse again. I have no clue what incantations they talk about, but the solo in reverse is just too funky. Any way. What were you saying?"

B: "Phone call for you. some mortal woman"

L: "Give me the phone..... Hello?"

Voice on the other end: "Do you know you are a part of a vast capitalist, imperialist conspiracy?"

L: "eehhhh... What?"

Voice: "Do you know, tools of these capitalist forces will soon come to take away the Bauxite present in the mountains and thus remove you and your indigenous people. You wouldn't be able to live off the land anymore. You will be forced to follow capitalist teachings. You will be filled with greed. You will.... "

L: "Lady! Lady! What in the name of Jesus H. Antichrist are you talking about? What Bauxite? What Capitalist army? What greed? Lady, I discovered, no invented the 7 sins. WTF are you saying?"

Voice: "You must rise. you must take up arms. Fight for the innocent. Show your socialistic ways is what is needed. Democracy be damned, Democracy has failed. Democracy.... "

L: "Listen! Lady! Who do you want to talk to? seriously?"

Voice: "Isn't this KishenG?"

L: "No you foolish mortal! Who the Fuck is KishenG? some hormonally challenged Kissan Jam slurping rapper? This is Lucifer!!!"

Voice: "Lucifer! Wait i told the operator to call KishenG. The operator routed me to you"

L: "Well obviously the shit for brains thought I was the same person! Hang up the phone you silly mortal or I will napalm your ass. Then you feel what a true capitalist conspiracy is"

Voice: "sorry!" hangs up

L: "Foolish Mortal"

L: "Beelzebub! Any more news from Earth?"

B: "Well Fail Barkerey has just dissed the greatest cricketer in the history of the game"

L: "damn it! Call up Fail and say I am very displeased with him. You know whats gonna happen if G-man finds out that one of my minions has dissed is favorite son? do you? I have to dodge heavenly lightning and try not to get smited for months"

B: "Yes Lord! I will call him at once"

B: "My Lord! There was another call for you before. Khamata Ban-her-jee wanted to confirm whether she can still call a Bandh in Earth complaining about forceful land acquisition in hell by CPI(M) workers?"

L: 'Yes! Yes! I tried to talk sense into that woman. But she kept screaming for no reason at all. My ear drums were complaining so i caved in. Let her do whatever she wants. Just make sure regardless of what she has done, she should not be allowed in Hell. Let G-man handle her." *Evil Grin*

B: "It shall be done my Lord! And my Lord, He-man Malik has blamed Hell again for another bomb blast"

L: "let him blabber. Incompetent fool"

B: "Thats all my Lord"

L: "Be gone now." puts on the headphone and now plays in forward singing loudly: "And as we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our souls......"

The End

P.S: The characters in this piece resemble a living person. Peace V.

12 theories for 2012

Fraands, Romans, douche-bags (No I am not calling you one), lend me your auditory systems.

As you know the Grandmaster Oracle, Nostradamus and that civilization whose ass you get to whoop in Age of Empires, The Mayans, predicted that our world will get doo-doo-ed on December 2012. However, these funky people did not predict how the end of the world is going to happen. Most people are led to believe in the Ronald Emmerich theory (which is hey look. an important building in the history of the world. Lets destroy it). But I am led to believe that it can't be that simple. These are my theories which are more likely to bring around global apocalypse.

Theory 1

Aliens whoop our ass pissed after the video of Britney Spears's Toxic finally reach their distant galaxy. I mean wouldn't you be pissed when you are searching for intelligent life on other planets and you receive a transmission.... you are excited... you turn on the TV to check the the transmission and Wham! Britney Spears dancing as an air hostess to atrocious music. Fuck i will be pissed.

Theory 2

MNS workers whoop the rest of the planets ass for not speaking in Marathi. Even as i write this in english, and you read it in english, somewhere a MNS workers is getting ready to whoop our asses

Theory 3

Mamata Banerjee, Arundhati Roy, Raj Thakerey and Mayawati combine to from giant-super-ultra-mega-roboto which is more powerful than Super Saiyan 3 and whoop all our asses

Theory 4

Himesh Reshamiya hits a pitch which is the resonant frequency of Earth. Planet Earth explodes.

Theory 5

Ram Gopal Verma makes a remake of his remake of Sholay (believe me he has already made remake of his own movie) and the entire planet instantly commits mass suicide.

Theory 6

KRK goes naked on international television thus blinding the world with his awesomness and since we mere mortals are not allowed to witness such awesomness we instantly die.

Theory 7

The internet is finally cleaned of all pr0n thus leading to worldwide panic and eventual mass suicide.

Theory 8

Sachin Tendulkar finally retires from all forms of the game.

Theory 9

Rakhi Sawant is proven to be the second coming of Jegus.

Theory 10

Karunanidhi finally takes off his Ray Bans in public thus instantly blinding us with his awesomness

Theory 11

Michael Bay makes an Oscar Winner ( not the special effects kind.. with actual dialogs, no Hasbro toys and no Megan fox)

Theory 12

India finally qualifies for the Football World Cup Finals

And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. 12 Theories for 2012. Remember this short post was presented by DoCoMo, Do co mo.. do co mo.. do coo coo moo moo.. mo mo coo.. (There goes theory 13: Do Co Mo makes an ad more irritating than its train ad)

Adventures in the RTO

Imagine that Vlad the Impaler, Adolf Hitler, Ivan the Terrible, Mamata Banerjee and Arundhati Roy were given rings by that Creature of all Terribleness called Satan. Satan like Gaea in Captain Planet tells these 5 chosen members that they have the power to create the Ultimate Evil with their individual rings.

One day these creatures of mass mayhem decided that they alone are not enough to torture the world they decide to create this ultimate evil thing. And so like the Planeteers (in our case lets call these excellent pieces of human beings as Funketeers!) use there rings. They call on the ultimate evil. 30 more powerful than Captain Planet and a 400 times more evil than Captain Pollution.

This thing that they create is called the RTO. And this special RTO, which exists for the soul purpose of torturing countless souls exist in the wonderful city which calls itself the city of joy. As you know, or may not know, Kolkata has the bestest most wonderfulest work culture in the entire ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. The culmination of this grandest of Work culture is at the Kolkata RTO Office.

The place, build in the forgotten era of the British Raj, smells of such wonderful smells that you senses are overwhelmed for the amount of time that you spend there. And just like every Government Office in Kolkata, you do spend a lot of time there. Your nose is immediately hit with that wonderfully Indian smell of urine! The funkiness of the ammonia and the fact that Health ishhh Bhelth (The bong accent plisss) is uber awesomness. And amongst that beautiful smell of human excrement there comes the smell of a decaying animal. Maybe a rat, maybe a cat, maybe a human being. Who knows? The mystery of the dead creature and the smell that it gives out will keep you company for the two-three hours you may spend there.

And the pepul at the various desks are so helpful, so generous, so big at heart that you instantly feel at home (If your home is Hell that is). And of course various funkily made posters remind you throughout your visit that you are in fact at the mercy of the unions in this most wonderfulest of places and they reserve the right to do whatever they want (which includes letting you smell their urine).

And after 3 hours of standing in various lines, through narrow corridors, smelling various exotic things like urine, vomit, dead animals, stinky perfumes and what not, your energy all spent, english language forgotten (I actually tweeted my giving birth instead of my birth) you get what you came for. You smile into the web cam (after trillion times of resetting your face to get the correct picture which will eventually turn out to be the worst picture in your life), sign your name and of course put your index finger impression on a super digital device (unfortunately every time you put your finger on that device, its to sweaty according the wonderfully cooperative woman behind the counter). And it was done. I got my friggin License renewed.

And now as I type this, the smell of urine still invades my senses. I didn't even catch a whiff of the wonderful Chicken Strogonoff that my mom has cooked.

This Adventure at The RTO will forever be etched into my mind as my little journey to hell.

P.S: Those of you wanted my regular characters viz. G-Man and Luci, wait for a while :)

And the Cat said: Maooooo!

Forget about the Taliban, the new gang of media savvy Terrorists have arrived. Swanky press conferences, beautiful ideologies and apparently a good knowledge of Hindi, Bengali, English and it looks like Telegu, the Naxalites are God's answer to the Indian media. Along with the media the normally mundane lives of Human Rights activists become cheery as well. The Goddess of Small Things, Arundhati Roy has geared up for a fierce battle. And caught between them is the of course the general public.

Now in my years of experience with the Naxals (none I assure you) this is what I think should be done: Systematic elimination of the threat (put in the American accent and Hans Zimmer music in the background... you may also put a Jerry Bruckheimer production later on). Deploy the Army and do to the Naxals as it has been done with the ULFA in the Assam. If the Naxals do believe that prisoners taken by them are POW's then war it should be. No holds barred war. Napalm them if you like (Killgore had the right answer to life believe me).

On another note someone kindly put a sellotape on Mamata Banerjee's mouth (I know its not possible, but here's to wishing). According her it's all a part of a Grand conspiracy. And of course silently she will carry on supporting the Maoists as its all a part of a grand plan to come into power in the State. Of course she forgets that after a while she might have to deal with the same monsters she helped create. Best of luck to you Didi. And while she launches another train from Bengal to some godforsaken part of the country, people keep on dying. Lovely.

And now to the human rights activists. Probably my favoritest people on the whole of the planet. This is what a Naxalite might look like in the mind of the activist:

Awwwwww... Isn't that cute? As hundred of activists led by yours truly, Arundhati Roy, circle around the government for the shockingly bad treatment given to "Terrorists" none of them, and i mean none of them raise a word when there is a policeman killed. None of them are moved when children of the policeman are seen crying. None of them will raise an eyebrow when there is a landmine blast and 10 police officers die. But no. One Naxal arrested and you have to let them go immediately. The government must develop these areas first. Right. Here's a plan Miss Roy, Take a jeep, drive it through the landmines and you try to develop as much as you can. Do it! No ones stopping you! It seems terrorists are the only one who are human and deserve the support of human rights activists. There's hypocrisy for you.

And now last but not the least. Hello media! Nice going. Act as the PR people for the Naxalites won't you! Do promote them and give them all the attention they deserve. And of course when the police arrest Naxalites dressed up as journalists you are going to protest that. There goes your livelihood. There goes the TRP. Seriously! why doesn't the govt. disguise more people as the press and arrest or if arrest does mean letting go of prisoners as a part of a swanky prisoner exchange program, then shoot them through the head when these conferences are held?

Okay I think that should be the end of my rant! So if anyone who does read this article please understand this is from the viewpoint of the average citizen and not someone who has a PhD in Naxalism and Maoism like I am sure Miss Arundhati Roy has. Kthanxbai!