Beelzebub, the first duke of hell knocks on Lucifer's door.
B: "My Lord, there is a phone call for you!"
Silence from the other side
B: "My Lord?" no reply. shouting now "MY LORD?"
Lucifer takes off his noise-cancellation Hell-Bose headphones.
L: "brrrr.ahh... What the hell? who is it?"
B: "It's me my lord! what were you listening to?"
L: "Stairway to Heaven in reverse again. I have no clue what incantations they talk about, but the solo in reverse is just too funky. Any way. What were you saying?"
B: "Phone call for you. some mortal woman"
L: "Give me the phone..... Hello?"
Voice on the other end: "Do you know you are a part of a vast capitalist, imperialist conspiracy?"
L: "eehhhh... What?"
Voice: "Do you know, tools of these capitalist forces will soon come to take away the Bauxite present in the mountains and thus remove you and your indigenous people. You wouldn't be able to live off the land anymore. You will be forced to follow capitalist teachings. You will be filled with greed. You will.... "
L: "Lady! Lady! What in the name of Jesus H. Antichrist are you talking about? What Bauxite? What Capitalist army? What greed? Lady, I discovered, no invented the 7 sins. WTF are you saying?"
Voice: "You must rise. you must take up arms. Fight for the innocent. Show your socialistic ways is what is needed. Democracy be damned, Democracy has failed. Democracy.... "
L: "Listen! Lady! Who do you want to talk to? seriously?"
Voice: "Isn't this KishenG?"
L: "No you foolish mortal! Who the Fuck is KishenG? some hormonally challenged Kissan Jam slurping rapper? This is Lucifer!!!"
Voice: "Lucifer! Wait i told the operator to call KishenG. The operator routed me to you"
L: "Well obviously the shit for brains thought I was the same person! Hang up the phone you silly mortal or I will napalm your ass. Then you feel what a true capitalist conspiracy is"
Voice: "sorry!" hangs up
L: "Foolish Mortal"
L: "Beelzebub! Any more news from Earth?"
B: "Well Fail Barkerey has just dissed the greatest cricketer in the history of the game"
L: "damn it! Call up Fail and say I am very displeased with him. You know whats gonna happen if G-man finds out that one of my minions has dissed is favorite son? do you? I have to dodge heavenly lightning and try not to get smited for months"
B: "Yes Lord! I will call him at once"
B: "My Lord! There was another call for you before. Khamata Ban-her-jee wanted to confirm whether she can still call a Bandh in Earth complaining about forceful land acquisition in hell by CPI(M) workers?"
L: 'Yes! Yes! I tried to talk sense into that woman. But she kept screaming for no reason at all. My ear drums were complaining so i caved in. Let her do whatever she wants. Just make sure regardless of what she has done, she should not be allowed in Hell. Let G-man handle her." *Evil Grin*
B: "It shall be done my Lord! And my Lord, He-man Malik has blamed Hell again for another bomb blast"
L: "let him blabber. Incompetent fool"
B: "Thats all my Lord"
L: "Be gone now." puts on the headphone and now plays in forward singing loudly: "And as we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our souls......"
The End
P.S: The characters in this piece resemble a living person. Peace V.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
12 theories for 2012
Fraands, Romans, douche-bags (No I am not calling you one), lend me your auditory systems.
As you know the Grandmaster Oracle, Nostradamus and that civilization whose ass you get to whoop in Age of Empires, The Mayans, predicted that our world will get doo-doo-ed on December 2012. However, these funky people did not predict how the end of the world is going to happen. Most people are led to believe in the Ronald Emmerich theory (which is hey look. an important building in the history of the world. Lets destroy it). But I am led to believe that it can't be that simple. These are my theories which are more likely to bring around global apocalypse.
Theory 1
Aliens whoop our ass pissed after the video of Britney Spears's Toxic finally reach their distant galaxy. I mean wouldn't you be pissed when you are searching for intelligent life on other planets and you receive a transmission.... you are excited... you turn on the TV to check the the transmission and Wham! Britney Spears dancing as an air hostess to atrocious music. Fuck i will be pissed.
Theory 2
MNS workers whoop the rest of the planets ass for not speaking in Marathi. Even as i write this in english, and you read it in english, somewhere a MNS workers is getting ready to whoop our asses
Theory 3
Mamata Banerjee, Arundhati Roy, Raj Thakerey and Mayawati combine to from giant-super-ultra-mega-roboto which is more powerful than Super Saiyan 3 and whoop all our asses
Theory 4
Himesh Reshamiya hits a pitch which is the resonant frequency of Earth. Planet Earth explodes.
Theory 5
Ram Gopal Verma makes a remake of his remake of Sholay (believe me he has already made remake of his own movie) and the entire planet instantly commits mass suicide.
Theory 6
KRK goes naked on international television thus blinding the world with his awesomness and since we mere mortals are not allowed to witness such awesomness we instantly die.
Theory 7
The internet is finally cleaned of all pr0n thus leading to worldwide panic and eventual mass suicide.
Theory 8
Sachin Tendulkar finally retires from all forms of the game.
Theory 9
Rakhi Sawant is proven to be the second coming of Jegus.
Theory 10
Karunanidhi finally takes off his Ray Bans in public thus instantly blinding us with his awesomness
Theory 11
Michael Bay makes an Oscar Winner ( not the special effects kind.. with actual dialogs, no Hasbro toys and no Megan fox)
Theory 12
India finally qualifies for the Football World Cup Finals
And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. 12 Theories for 2012. Remember this short post was presented by DoCoMo, Do co mo.. do co mo.. do coo coo moo moo.. mo mo coo.. (There goes theory 13: Do Co Mo makes an ad more irritating than its train ad)
As you know the Grandmaster Oracle, Nostradamus and that civilization whose ass you get to whoop in Age of Empires, The Mayans, predicted that our world will get doo-doo-ed on December 2012. However, these funky people did not predict how the end of the world is going to happen. Most people are led to believe in the Ronald Emmerich theory (which is hey look. an important building in the history of the world. Lets destroy it). But I am led to believe that it can't be that simple. These are my theories which are more likely to bring around global apocalypse.
Theory 1
Aliens whoop our ass pissed after the video of Britney Spears's Toxic finally reach their distant galaxy. I mean wouldn't you be pissed when you are searching for intelligent life on other planets and you receive a transmission.... you are excited... you turn on the TV to check the the transmission and Wham! Britney Spears dancing as an air hostess to atrocious music. Fuck i will be pissed.
Theory 2
MNS workers whoop the rest of the planets ass for not speaking in Marathi. Even as i write this in english, and you read it in english, somewhere a MNS workers is getting ready to whoop our asses
Theory 3
Mamata Banerjee, Arundhati Roy, Raj Thakerey and Mayawati combine to from giant-super-ultra-mega-roboto which is more powerful than Super Saiyan 3 and whoop all our asses
Theory 4
Himesh Reshamiya hits a pitch which is the resonant frequency of Earth. Planet Earth explodes.
Theory 5
Ram Gopal Verma makes a remake of his remake of Sholay (believe me he has already made remake of his own movie) and the entire planet instantly commits mass suicide.
Theory 6
KRK goes naked on international television thus blinding the world with his awesomness and since we mere mortals are not allowed to witness such awesomness we instantly die.
Theory 7
The internet is finally cleaned of all pr0n thus leading to worldwide panic and eventual mass suicide.
Theory 8
Sachin Tendulkar finally retires from all forms of the game.
Theory 9
Rakhi Sawant is proven to be the second coming of Jegus.
Theory 10
Karunanidhi finally takes off his Ray Bans in public thus instantly blinding us with his awesomness
Theory 11
Michael Bay makes an Oscar Winner ( not the special effects kind.. with actual dialogs, no Hasbro toys and no Megan fox)
Theory 12
India finally qualifies for the Football World Cup Finals
And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. 12 Theories for 2012. Remember this short post was presented by DoCoMo, Do co mo.. do co mo.. do coo coo moo moo.. mo mo coo.. (There goes theory 13: Do Co Mo makes an ad more irritating than its train ad)
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Adventures in the RTO
Imagine that Vlad the Impaler, Adolf Hitler, Ivan the Terrible, Mamata Banerjee and Arundhati Roy were given rings by that Creature of all Terribleness called Satan. Satan like Gaea in Captain Planet tells these 5 chosen members that they have the power to create the Ultimate Evil with their individual rings.
One day these creatures of mass mayhem decided that they alone are not enough to torture the world they decide to create this ultimate evil thing. And so like the Planeteers (in our case lets call these excellent pieces of human beings as Funketeers!) use there rings. They call on the ultimate evil. 30 more powerful than Captain Planet and a 400 times more evil than Captain Pollution.
This thing that they create is called the RTO. And this special RTO, which exists for the soul purpose of torturing countless souls exist in the wonderful city which calls itself the city of joy. As you know, or may not know, Kolkata has the bestest most wonderfulest work culture in the entire ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. The culmination of this grandest of Work culture is at the Kolkata RTO Office.
The place, build in the forgotten era of the British Raj, smells of such wonderful smells that you senses are overwhelmed for the amount of time that you spend there. And just like every Government Office in Kolkata, you do spend a lot of time there. Your nose is immediately hit with that wonderfully Indian smell of urine! The funkiness of the ammonia and the fact that Health ishhh Bhelth (The bong accent plisss) is uber awesomness. And amongst that beautiful smell of human excrement there comes the smell of a decaying animal. Maybe a rat, maybe a cat, maybe a human being. Who knows? The mystery of the dead creature and the smell that it gives out will keep you company for the two-three hours you may spend there.
And the pepul at the various desks are so helpful, so generous, so big at heart that you instantly feel at home (If your home is Hell that is). And of course various funkily made posters remind you throughout your visit that you are in fact at the mercy of the unions in this most wonderfulest of places and they reserve the right to do whatever they want (which includes letting you smell their urine).
And after 3 hours of standing in various lines, through narrow corridors, smelling various exotic things like urine, vomit, dead animals, stinky perfumes and what not, your energy all spent, english language forgotten (I actually tweeted my giving birth instead of my birth) you get what you came for. You smile into the web cam (after trillion times of resetting your face to get the correct picture which will eventually turn out to be the worst picture in your life), sign your name and of course put your index finger impression on a super digital device (unfortunately every time you put your finger on that device, its to sweaty according the wonderfully cooperative woman behind the counter). And it was done. I got my friggin License renewed.
And now as I type this, the smell of urine still invades my senses. I didn't even catch a whiff of the wonderful Chicken Strogonoff that my mom has cooked.
This Adventure at The RTO will forever be etched into my mind as my little journey to hell.
P.S: Those of you wanted my regular characters viz. G-Man and Luci, wait for a while :)
One day these creatures of mass mayhem decided that they alone are not enough to torture the world they decide to create this ultimate evil thing. And so like the Planeteers (in our case lets call these excellent pieces of human beings as Funketeers!) use there rings. They call on the ultimate evil. 30 more powerful than Captain Planet and a 400 times more evil than Captain Pollution.
This thing that they create is called the RTO. And this special RTO, which exists for the soul purpose of torturing countless souls exist in the wonderful city which calls itself the city of joy. As you know, or may not know, Kolkata has the bestest most wonderfulest work culture in the entire ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. The culmination of this grandest of Work culture is at the Kolkata RTO Office.
The place, build in the forgotten era of the British Raj, smells of such wonderful smells that you senses are overwhelmed for the amount of time that you spend there. And just like every Government Office in Kolkata, you do spend a lot of time there. Your nose is immediately hit with that wonderfully Indian smell of urine! The funkiness of the ammonia and the fact that Health ishhh Bhelth (The bong accent plisss) is uber awesomness. And amongst that beautiful smell of human excrement there comes the smell of a decaying animal. Maybe a rat, maybe a cat, maybe a human being. Who knows? The mystery of the dead creature and the smell that it gives out will keep you company for the two-three hours you may spend there.
And the pepul at the various desks are so helpful, so generous, so big at heart that you instantly feel at home (If your home is Hell that is). And of course various funkily made posters remind you throughout your visit that you are in fact at the mercy of the unions in this most wonderfulest of places and they reserve the right to do whatever they want (which includes letting you smell their urine).
And after 3 hours of standing in various lines, through narrow corridors, smelling various exotic things like urine, vomit, dead animals, stinky perfumes and what not, your energy all spent, english language forgotten (I actually tweeted my giving birth instead of my birth) you get what you came for. You smile into the web cam (after trillion times of resetting your face to get the correct picture which will eventually turn out to be the worst picture in your life), sign your name and of course put your index finger impression on a super digital device (unfortunately every time you put your finger on that device, its to sweaty according the wonderfully cooperative woman behind the counter). And it was done. I got my friggin License renewed.
And now as I type this, the smell of urine still invades my senses. I didn't even catch a whiff of the wonderful Chicken Strogonoff that my mom has cooked.
This Adventure at The RTO will forever be etched into my mind as my little journey to hell.
P.S: Those of you wanted my regular characters viz. G-Man and Luci, wait for a while :)
Saturday, October 24, 2009
And the Cat said: Maooooo!
Forget about the Taliban, the new gang of media savvy Terrorists have arrived. Swanky press conferences, beautiful ideologies and apparently a good knowledge of Hindi, Bengali, English and it looks like Telegu, the Naxalites are God's answer to the Indian media. Along with the media the normally mundane lives of Human Rights activists become cheery as well. The Goddess of Small Things, Arundhati Roy has geared up for a fierce battle. And caught between them is the of course the general public.
Now in my years of experience with the Naxals (none I assure you) this is what I think should be done: Systematic elimination of the threat (put in the American accent and Hans Zimmer music in the background... you may also put a Jerry Bruckheimer production later on). Deploy the Army and do to the Naxals as it has been done with the ULFA in the Assam. If the Naxals do believe that prisoners taken by them are POW's then war it should be. No holds barred war. Napalm them if you like (Killgore had the right answer to life believe me).
On another note someone kindly put a sellotape on Mamata Banerjee's mouth (I know its not possible, but here's to wishing). According her it's all a part of a Grand conspiracy. And of course silently she will carry on supporting the Maoists as its all a part of a grand plan to come into power in the State. Of course she forgets that after a while she might have to deal with the same monsters she helped create. Best of luck to you Didi. And while she launches another train from Bengal to some godforsaken part of the country, people keep on dying. Lovely.
And now to the human rights activists. Probably my favoritest people on the whole of the planet. This is what a Naxalite might look like in the mind of the activist:
Awwwwww... Isn't that cute? As hundred of activists led by yours truly, Arundhati Roy, circle around the government for the shockingly bad treatment given to "Terrorists" none of them, and i mean none of them raise a word when there is a policeman killed. None of them are moved when children of the policeman are seen crying. None of them will raise an eyebrow when there is a landmine blast and 10 police officers die. But no. One Naxal arrested and you have to let them go immediately. The government must develop these areas first. Right. Here's a plan Miss Roy, Take a jeep, drive it through the landmines and you try to develop as much as you can. Do it! No ones stopping you! It seems terrorists are the only one who are human and deserve the support of human rights activists. There's hypocrisy for you.
And now last but not the least. Hello media! Nice going. Act as the PR people for the Naxalites won't you! Do promote them and give them all the attention they deserve. And of course when the police arrest Naxalites dressed up as journalists you are going to protest that. There goes your livelihood. There goes the TRP. Seriously! why doesn't the govt. disguise more people as the press and arrest or if arrest does mean letting go of prisoners as a part of a swanky prisoner exchange program, then shoot them through the head when these conferences are held?
Okay I think that should be the end of my rant! So if anyone who does read this article please understand this is from the viewpoint of the average citizen and not someone who has a PhD in Naxalism and Maoism like I am sure Miss Arundhati Roy has. Kthanxbai!
Now in my years of experience with the Naxals (none I assure you) this is what I think should be done: Systematic elimination of the threat (put in the American accent and Hans Zimmer music in the background... you may also put a Jerry Bruckheimer production later on). Deploy the Army and do to the Naxals as it has been done with the ULFA in the Assam. If the Naxals do believe that prisoners taken by them are POW's then war it should be. No holds barred war. Napalm them if you like (Killgore had the right answer to life believe me).
On another note someone kindly put a sellotape on Mamata Banerjee's mouth (I know its not possible, but here's to wishing). According her it's all a part of a Grand conspiracy. And of course silently she will carry on supporting the Maoists as its all a part of a grand plan to come into power in the State. Of course she forgets that after a while she might have to deal with the same monsters she helped create. Best of luck to you Didi. And while she launches another train from Bengal to some godforsaken part of the country, people keep on dying. Lovely.
And now to the human rights activists. Probably my favoritest people on the whole of the planet. This is what a Naxalite might look like in the mind of the activist:
Awwwwww... Isn't that cute? As hundred of activists led by yours truly, Arundhati Roy, circle around the government for the shockingly bad treatment given to "Terrorists" none of them, and i mean none of them raise a word when there is a policeman killed. None of them are moved when children of the policeman are seen crying. None of them will raise an eyebrow when there is a landmine blast and 10 police officers die. But no. One Naxal arrested and you have to let them go immediately. The government must develop these areas first. Right. Here's a plan Miss Roy, Take a jeep, drive it through the landmines and you try to develop as much as you can. Do it! No ones stopping you! It seems terrorists are the only one who are human and deserve the support of human rights activists. There's hypocrisy for you.
And now last but not the least. Hello media! Nice going. Act as the PR people for the Naxalites won't you! Do promote them and give them all the attention they deserve. And of course when the police arrest Naxalites dressed up as journalists you are going to protest that. There goes your livelihood. There goes the TRP. Seriously! why doesn't the govt. disguise more people as the press and arrest or if arrest does mean letting go of prisoners as a part of a swanky prisoner exchange program, then shoot them through the head when these conferences are held?
Okay I think that should be the end of my rant! So if anyone who does read this article please understand this is from the viewpoint of the average citizen and not someone who has a PhD in Naxalism and Maoism like I am sure Miss Arundhati Roy has. Kthanxbai!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Peace in Hell
Somewhere down in that place riddled with hell fire and what not, the
lord of the fallen angels, Mr. Lightbringer himself is enjoying his
daily television.
Satan: I must remember to send those wonderful fellows at Times Now a
complimentary card. They are making Hell look like the Hilton at Hawaii
with free jacuzzi.
Meanwhile the Duke of hell, Beelzebub comes running through the
corridor. "Master! Master!"
Satan: What is it my minion? What news have you got for me?
Beelzebub: You won't like it too much my Lord.
Satan: Come now Duke... spit it out.... I am in a good mood today!
Beelzebub: Erm... er... I was just on Twitter disguised as BR.I.TNEY
FUCK.D... and ermm...
Satan: Come on Duke.. I haven't got all day... I want to see KRK in Big
Boss you know.
Beelzebub: Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize my Lord!
Satan: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?????
Hell fires rage in hell.... somewhere in the White House a tremor is
felt, mis interpreted as Terrorists from Eye-Ran using advanced super
duper weapons and thus started a new chapter in The American dream of
concurring countries which few people in the great country have a clue
exists.. Red flag twibbons are used all over twitter in solidarity for
the Eye-ranians. But Thats another story. On to our story.
Satan: Give me my phone.
Satan gets his phone... sees a message: "TA-SNM-Elections" Vote for
your favorite party this October and get a riot free for the next year.
Conditions apply if you are not from Baam-bay!
Satan: Son of a Bitch!
Calls the G-man on his personal number!
G-Man: Yes!
Satan: It's me
G-man: O hello Lucifer! What is up my friend?
Satan: Have you heard the news? Obama winning the Peace prize?
G-Man: Really? Good for him!
Satan: Good for him? That son of a bitch! I was in contention for the
Peace Prize this year! this was going to be my big day!
G-Man: You?
Satan: Yes me! I am Evil. And Evil is the the thing that all religions
in the world proclaim they are going to banish from the face of this
shithole people call Earth. Therefore I am the single largest Factor
that unites all religion. Ergo (sounding suspiciously like the
architect from The Matrix)....
G-Man: So in your twisted world because all Religions hate you, you
unite them? and thus should win the Nobel Peace Prize?
Satan: Why not? Face it... if they can give it to Henry Kissinger, they
can give it to me.
G-Man: Hmmm... true... I'll see what i can do... "Alfred.. hey Alfred..
call up your buddies at Stockholm wont you? My estranged Son wants the
Prize Badly"
Satan: Thanks G
G-Man: No Problem. What is new in hell?
Satan: Nothing new my brother.. Clearing up more space for the
Farmville players.
G-man: Keep it up.
Satan: Peace bro.
The End
lord of the fallen angels, Mr. Lightbringer himself is enjoying his
daily television.
Satan: I must remember to send those wonderful fellows at Times Now a
complimentary card. They are making Hell look like the Hilton at Hawaii
with free jacuzzi.
Meanwhile the Duke of hell, Beelzebub comes running through the
corridor. "Master! Master!"
Satan: What is it my minion? What news have you got for me?
Beelzebub: You won't like it too much my Lord.
Satan: Come now Duke... spit it out.... I am in a good mood today!
Beelzebub: Erm... er... I was just on Twitter disguised as BR.I.TNEY
FUCK.D... and ermm...
Satan: Come on Duke.. I haven't got all day... I want to see KRK in Big
Boss you know.
Beelzebub: Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize my Lord!
Satan: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?????
Hell fires rage in hell.... somewhere in the White House a tremor is
felt, mis interpreted as Terrorists from Eye-Ran using advanced super
duper weapons and thus started a new chapter in The American dream of
concurring countries which few people in the great country have a clue
exists.. Red flag twibbons are used all over twitter in solidarity for
the Eye-ranians. But Thats another story. On to our story.
Satan: Give me my phone.
Satan gets his phone... sees a message: "TA-SNM-Elections" Vote for
your favorite party this October and get a riot free for the next year.
Conditions apply if you are not from Baam-bay!
Satan: Son of a Bitch!
Calls the G-man on his personal number!
G-Man: Yes!
Satan: It's me
G-man: O hello Lucifer! What is up my friend?
Satan: Have you heard the news? Obama winning the Peace prize?
G-Man: Really? Good for him!
Satan: Good for him? That son of a bitch! I was in contention for the
Peace Prize this year! this was going to be my big day!
G-Man: You?
Satan: Yes me! I am Evil. And Evil is the the thing that all religions
in the world proclaim they are going to banish from the face of this
shithole people call Earth. Therefore I am the single largest Factor
that unites all religion. Ergo (sounding suspiciously like the
architect from The Matrix)....
G-Man: So in your twisted world because all Religions hate you, you
unite them? and thus should win the Nobel Peace Prize?
Satan: Why not? Face it... if they can give it to Henry Kissinger, they
can give it to me.
G-Man: Hmmm... true... I'll see what i can do... "Alfred.. hey Alfred..
call up your buddies at Stockholm wont you? My estranged Son wants the
Prize Badly"
Satan: Thanks G
G-Man: No Problem. What is new in hell?
Satan: Nothing new my brother.. Clearing up more space for the
Farmville players.
G-man: Keep it up.
Satan: Peace bro.
The End
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Austerity in Hell
The ground shakes, the earth Rattles, somewhere Robert Plant belts out Immigrant song.
On a quieter corner of Earth two of the ultimate celestial beings meet. (Yes! they have reached the Ultimate level of Super Saiyan and hence they are the Ultimates)
Lucifer: Hello G-Man
God: Capital morning to you too
Lucifer: I am sorry but we had to meet up like this.
God: No problems my old friend.
Lucifer: You know what this is about right?
God: Yes!
Lucifer: This austerity business by The INC is making us look ridiculous. India TV, the only media we get in Hell has accused the management of Hell of not going austere. They even televised their exclusive on Earth. Of course no one believed them.
God: I Agree. So what steps have the management taken?
Lucifer: Well we no longer have the deals on normal paper. We are using recycled papers now. My Trident which needed polishing now and then has been replaced by a plastic one. Beelzebub has been ordered to not use contact lenses for his eyes and we can no longer use the excellent service provided by Air India from Hell to earth. We now have to travel economy class.. or worse take the train!
God: I feel for you brother!
Lucifer: So what steps have Heaven taken?
God: Well for starters as in Hell, the Archangels are no longer allowed to fly Business class.
Lucifer: by the way, your Archangels have been a bit erratic nowadays.
God: Dont blame them. All their flights got cancelled due to some strike by the pilots. Your doing was that?
Lucifer: No! i think it was one of the lesser Demons of hell. What else?
God: We are now replacing all Tube lights in heaven with cost cutting, eco friendly lights. And the we no longer maintain a cellular phone.. all we did was call up the Pope.. now we use the land line instead.
Lucifer: A ha!
Lucifer: Any idea when this austerity thing will end? My trident is useless in its plastic form
God: No idea! next election?
Lucifer: O God no!
God: O hell yes!
The End
On a quieter corner of Earth two of the ultimate celestial beings meet. (Yes! they have reached the Ultimate level of Super Saiyan and hence they are the Ultimates)
Lucifer: Hello G-Man
God: Capital morning to you too
Lucifer: I am sorry but we had to meet up like this.
God: No problems my old friend.
Lucifer: You know what this is about right?
God: Yes!
Lucifer: This austerity business by The INC is making us look ridiculous. India TV, the only media we get in Hell has accused the management of Hell of not going austere. They even televised their exclusive on Earth. Of course no one believed them.
God: I Agree. So what steps have the management taken?
Lucifer: Well we no longer have the deals on normal paper. We are using recycled papers now. My Trident which needed polishing now and then has been replaced by a plastic one. Beelzebub has been ordered to not use contact lenses for his eyes and we can no longer use the excellent service provided by Air India from Hell to earth. We now have to travel economy class.. or worse take the train!
God: I feel for you brother!
Lucifer: So what steps have Heaven taken?
God: Well for starters as in Hell, the Archangels are no longer allowed to fly Business class.
Lucifer: by the way, your Archangels have been a bit erratic nowadays.
God: Dont blame them. All their flights got cancelled due to some strike by the pilots. Your doing was that?
Lucifer: No! i think it was one of the lesser Demons of hell. What else?
God: We are now replacing all Tube lights in heaven with cost cutting, eco friendly lights. And the we no longer maintain a cellular phone.. all we did was call up the Pope.. now we use the land line instead.
Lucifer: A ha!
Lucifer: Any idea when this austerity thing will end? My trident is useless in its plastic form
God: No idea! next election?
Lucifer: O God no!
God: O hell yes!
The End
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Heaven on Earth
Somewhere down below
Beelzebub, the Duke of Hell is seen running around frantically.
He comes to the throne room and near the doors hears agonizing screams.
Beelzebub to the door guard: Ermm is his majesty in?
Guard: Yes he is, but you really don't want to disturb him now
Beelzebub: Bad news?
Guard: really bad!
Beelzebub: Damn! I have an extremely bad news to deliver!
Guard: Your funeral buddy! see you in Heaven!
Beelzebub: knocking, "Lord Lucifer! May I enter!"
Lucifer: Enter duke!
Beelzebub warily goes in... sees Lucifer sitting by one of those Series 9 Samsung TV
Beelzebub: My Lord! Something bothering you?
Lucifer: Yes something is bothering me... look.. look at The Prince Dance group perform.. Jesus H Antichrist they fill me with tears!
Beelzebub: so my Lord?
Lucifer: So??? So??? so I want to vote for them.. but nooooo... Vodafone! Friggin network bombed again... yaaaargh!
Beelzebub: What to you intend to do my Lord?
Lucifer: Me?? I'll friggin release the hounds of hell on that mother friggin Pug... lets see how he likes to be Help then!
Beelzebub: Magnificent plan my Lord
Lucifer: Do you have something to say?
Beelzebub: My Lord can you change the channel to NDTV please!
Lucifer: Why? And will I like it?
Beelzebub: No my Lord!
Lucifer: changes the channel to NDTV
Reporter: We have confirmed news that God, the one God, The Alpha and the Omega has decided to copy Heaven on Earth!
Lucifer: WTF! get me God on the line!
after many rings someone picks up the phone!
Lucifer: Hello! G? is that you?
God: Why, hello Lucifer! hows everything down there?
Lucifer: Peachy... simply peachy... we are waiting for the arrival of Ricky Ponting!
God: grand, grand!
Lucifer: Listen what's this I hear about heaven being copied on Earth?
God: o! he he!
Lucifer: What are you planning to do?
God: look! Lucifer! in all due respect you get to copy Hell on Earth everywhere.. give me a chance to make an Heaven on Earth.. we had that beautiful
mountain valley, but my children decided to draw a line and fight like constipated morons!
Lucifer: It's not my fault that your creations tend more towards Hell you know?
God: I know, I know!
Lucifer: So who are you commissioning for this job?
God: Well I told Gabriel to find the bast copy artists in the world and he has found them. incidentally they are from the same place where Heaven Mark-I
existed!
Lucifer: Who?
God: Pritam, Anu Mallick and Bappi Lahiri.. I am told that they can copy anything
Lucifer: Good choice! but once they are done with their work, can I have them!
God: Of course you can old buddy, old pal!
Lucifer: Okay.. hmmm... and by the way do you know anyone from Vodafone?
God: oooo! no network in hell too? i was thinking of sending Azazel on to them
Lucifer: Forget it! I have send my hounds
God: O Capital!
God: "talk to later then Luci!
Lucifer: Ya! later
Beelzebub, the Duke of Hell is seen running around frantically.
He comes to the throne room and near the doors hears agonizing screams.
Beelzebub to the door guard: Ermm is his majesty in?
Guard: Yes he is, but you really don't want to disturb him now
Beelzebub: Bad news?
Guard: really bad!
Beelzebub: Damn! I have an extremely bad news to deliver!
Guard: Your funeral buddy! see you in Heaven!
Beelzebub: knocking, "Lord Lucifer! May I enter!"
Lucifer: Enter duke!
Beelzebub warily goes in... sees Lucifer sitting by one of those Series 9 Samsung TV
Beelzebub: My Lord! Something bothering you?
Lucifer: Yes something is bothering me... look.. look at The Prince Dance group perform.. Jesus H Antichrist they fill me with tears!
Beelzebub: so my Lord?
Lucifer: So??? So??? so I want to vote for them.. but nooooo... Vodafone! Friggin network bombed again... yaaaargh!
Beelzebub: What to you intend to do my Lord?
Lucifer: Me?? I'll friggin release the hounds of hell on that mother friggin Pug... lets see how he likes to be Help then!
Beelzebub: Magnificent plan my Lord
Lucifer: Do you have something to say?
Beelzebub: My Lord can you change the channel to NDTV please!
Lucifer: Why? And will I like it?
Beelzebub: No my Lord!
Lucifer: changes the channel to NDTV
Reporter: We have confirmed news that God, the one God, The Alpha and the Omega has decided to copy Heaven on Earth!
Lucifer: WTF! get me God on the line!
after many rings someone picks up the phone!
Lucifer: Hello! G? is that you?
God: Why, hello Lucifer! hows everything down there?
Lucifer: Peachy... simply peachy... we are waiting for the arrival of Ricky Ponting!
God: grand, grand!
Lucifer: Listen what's this I hear about heaven being copied on Earth?
God: o! he he!
Lucifer: What are you planning to do?
God: look! Lucifer! in all due respect you get to copy Hell on Earth everywhere.. give me a chance to make an Heaven on Earth.. we had that beautiful
mountain valley, but my children decided to draw a line and fight like constipated morons!
Lucifer: It's not my fault that your creations tend more towards Hell you know?
God: I know, I know!
Lucifer: So who are you commissioning for this job?
God: Well I told Gabriel to find the bast copy artists in the world and he has found them. incidentally they are from the same place where Heaven Mark-I
existed!
Lucifer: Who?
God: Pritam, Anu Mallick and Bappi Lahiri.. I am told that they can copy anything
Lucifer: Good choice! but once they are done with their work, can I have them!
God: Of course you can old buddy, old pal!
Lucifer: Okay.. hmmm... and by the way do you know anyone from Vodafone?
God: oooo! no network in hell too? i was thinking of sending Azazel on to them
Lucifer: Forget it! I have send my hounds
God: O Capital!
God: "talk to later then Luci!
Lucifer: Ya! later
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