Lokntsc bill

I really do not get what the fuss is all about with the recent Anti-corruption thingy going on back at home. Passing the Lokpal bill won't solve anything in the long run. Are you outraging at the politicians or are you outraging at the corruption inherent in Indian and in general sub continental society? Fasting to pass an archaic bill? Is that what it's all about? Or do people really want to fight corruption?
This is strictly my views on corruption and how to, at least in parts, decrease it in Indian society. According to me (A dude who has no idea about socio blah blah blah blah and the struggle of the blah blah blah) proper education is the only way to solve the problem partly. Outrage against the archaic education system. Educating youngsters in the grass root level is the only way this will work.
As with everything in India, this whole social networking revolution is a complete knee-jerk reaction. Go support Mr. Hazare if you truly believe in his cause. Go support if you truly believe that the Lokpal bill will solve the ugly issue of corruption. Do not go and support because you think it's the hip thing to do. Do not go because the media is guilt tripping you into thinking that you are not fit to be the youth of today if you don't outrage. Do not go because of peer pressure when you hear someone say: "OMG! That 73 year old man can do it, why can't we? Protest. Outrage. WAAAAAAGH" (da red wunz go fasta!) Don't go on sporting "Mera mantri chaalis chor main se ek hai" or something on arms because some celebrity thinks it's cool. It's turning into the great Indian circus with Bollywood pseudo-activists coming into the play. The Media has a new story after the World Cup win. Every celebrity is going: "Support! Support i say!". The very next day they maybe have a oh so expensive luncheon with your favorite corrupt minister. Don't go on candle light marches (as @tantanoo said the other day, the only thing it might be doing is supporting the wax industry) like meaningless drones because that will be like.. you know.. like.. the correct thing to do.. like you know... support that poor man who is fasting... like.. If you are outraged by corruption, then don't just be outraged till the bill is passed, be continuously outraged. Be outraged when you see someone accepting a dowry for marriage (In my mind, that is still corruption) or wait.. is that okay because it's like ancient Indian ritual?
So all i want to say is, be outraged, but be outraged knowing why you are outraging against (as people in twitter would say #meta). Meanwhile i shall outrage against the gloriously difficult exam due tomorrow and like most outrages is in the world be politely told to shove it.

Disclaimer: This outrage was done by a Grad student in USA, so there is your first salvo ye. trolls, you can claim I am a product of capitalist greed who has forsaken his country in a time when it needs youth etc etc etc.

Also These are my views. You are bound to disagree. If you do, well, good for you. If you don't, hi5 brother!

Winning that has nothing to do with Charlie Sheen

It's still sinking in. After a day and a half. We won. WE WON!

To support the Indian cricket team has been a journey. A journey filled with disappointments, joys and overwhelming moments which made me proud of my nation's team. But nothing, nothing the Indian cricket team has done in my lifetime made me feel proud as an Indian before. I can safely say, now, miles away from Indian soil, Fuck yeah I am proud to be an Indian.

Whoops of joy. Silent man tears. Manly man hugs went around in an apartment at Ann Arbor. We won. As you can clearly see by now, what I am writing has no structure. In a glorious few days i have completely forgotten what was taught from Wren and Martin on how to write a composition. I have an exam coming up, a presentation to prepare for, yet i don't want to do anything. I have to decide the course my thesis will take and talk to my advisor tomorrow. Yet i don't want to do that. I want to scream "We won! We won! We won!". I want to go and scream "We won!" at the faces of a group of ABCDs who were dissing the game of cricket and India's obsession with it sometime back. Everything has been vindicated. Waking up at 5 in the morning. Days of sleeplessness. Missing labs. Everything was worth it.

I know there are some Cricket hating fans back home who are going "Bleh. So much hype. Nothing will ever come out of this. It's a sport, get over it etc.. etc..". To them I say, "WE WON MOTHERFUCKERS! WE WON!"

This team symbolizes the very idea of India. No religious divide. No caste divide. No class divide. A place where an ordinary railway ticket collector can go on and lead the nation in a game taught to us by people we fought for our independence against. And Win. To quote W.H :

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Allow the dog to bark with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with the sound of the victory drum,
Bring out the cup, let the victors come.

Let aeroplanes circle celebrating overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message We have winneth.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear blue cotton gloves.

In the North, the South, the East and the West,
In the week and Sunday rest,
In the noon, in the midnight, in a talk,in a song;
Celebrate this victory and come in a throng. (or wear a thong)

The stars are shining brighter now; see how they shine every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the tears and hide your morning wood;
For everything in this world (or atleast this country) temporarily is good.

(That might be the most terrible poem ever written after Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex)

Did I mention: WE WON?

Where did Moonmoon sen come from?

*cue meesic*

Welcome to the greatest news show on ZZ9 Plural Z-Alpha, Farce the nation, I am your host Arnoob. Today we discuss a serious issue that has sent shockwaves across several dimension. If you are thinking about the G-string scam in India, no, it's not that. If you are thinking it's Charlie Win snorting 3 Litres of coke from the belly of Shakila, no, it's not that either. It's much more serious. Recently one of the most revered human beings in this planet raised a question: "Where did Moonmoon Sen come from? Hunh? You can't explain that". This question has stumped the world's greatest thinkers. The world has gone into chaos after Richard Rockins reportedly said: "Who the hell is Moonmoon Sen?" Well to answer the people of this world, we have in our studio the suspected creator of Moonmoon sen, the moon and the earth and all that, The one God. Welcome back God.

G-man: It's a pleasure to be back Arnoob

Arnoob: Now, first things first. Have you heard what Bill o'rightsy has said on Vixen news?

G-man: Yes.

Arnoob: The question posed by O'rightsy has stumped many, including the Shane Watson, amateur cricketer and full time supercomputer 0n Leopardy. Some say only you have the answer to this question. So what is it?

G-man: Frankly Arnoob, i cannot answer that at this point. You see, it's all part of a divine plan I have created. I cannot divulge details about this master plan, lest my Brother who art in hell foils it.

Arnoob: But we were on the phone with Lucifer, and he confirmed that he knew about the plan, but wouldn't divulge it if you didn't.

G-man: Wait. What do you mean he knows? *thunder, lightning and all the sound effects associated with Pran abandoning his kids and one of the kids finding his way to the door of a Don Bosco church*

Arnoob: Yes. In fact we can call him now on this show to confirm that. *phone rings*

Satan: Hell-o?

Arnoob: Oh Satanic lord, this your minion Arnoob. I have God in the studio with me.

G-man: Dude. What up?

Satan: Woah G-man. Long time. Nothing special. Hanging out with Arjun Singh man. Reminiscing the good times.

G-man: Very nice. Dude... what do you mean you know what my master plan is?

Satan: Doesn't everybody?

G-man: Not the Vatican.

Satan: Wait. Your own people don't know what the master plan is?

G-man: It's meant to be a secret.

Satan: Like the apple?

G-man: Erm... yes.. kinda like that.

Satan: Dude. Listen. Everyone knows that the your master plans for all humans in this planet is for them to design the ultimate iPad, the iPad 420. After discovering the design of the iPad 420, human beings will simultaneously explode realizing the futility of said design.

G-man: Abeyaar! You just said that on national television.

Arnoob: Wait. So you are telling me that somehow Moonmoon Sen is going to design this final iPad and we will all simultaneously explode after that?

G-man: No comments

Arnoob: Well folks. There you have it. God reveals his master plan for mortals and simultaneously answers Bill o'rightsy's ultimate question. Tune in next week when we discuss the newly brewing Parle-G scam and the G-spot scam.

Games in Hell

*que music* Hello and welcome to notverygoodnewshour, i am your host Arnoob Goswamhit! Today we will be discussing a very serious topic. Scams. There are a lot of scams going on and men are making a lot of money from these scams. But the scam that has shocked the world after the Commonwealth games, the 2G scam, the ParleG and the G-spot scam is the latest reports coming in from Hell is that Satan has taken part in a multibillion trollar Interdimensional games scam. For more details we go directly to Satan.
Welcome to the show Lucifer.

Satan: Pleasure to be on your show.

Arnoob: let's cut directly to the chase Mr. Satan. Allegations have been made by the Archangels inspecting the site of the Interdimensional games that the arrangements were shabby and the toilets had remnants of Hellfire all around. Further allegations of Hell-hounds running all over. How do you answer these allegations?

Satan: First of all let me be clear Arnoob. The games were a success. Did you see the opening ceremony? Let's face it. Anything is better than the IPL ceremonies right? On the allegations of hell hounds running around, let me explain. You know what the hell hounds were originally created for? To bring the souls of musicians who had signed deals with me to give them talent. Those were the good days of Robert Johnson. The only unsuccessful mission so far is Keith Richards but that is another story. But now? Do you see talent anywhere? Justin Bieber, Himesh Reshamiya. No one signs deals anymore and the hounds have nothing to do. I can't send them to pound or cull them, People for ethical treatment of transdimensional canines have already complained. So i allow them to roam free.

Arnoob: One of the archangels, Gabriel Vuvuzela, has complained about snakes. How do you explain that?

Satan: Well you see. Ever since the Garden of Eden incident, Snake has nothing to do. Yes. It did have a starring role in Snakes on an Interdimensional plane, but Samuel L Jackson got the motherfucking snake off the motherfucking interdimensional plane. So he supervised the building of the games village.

Arnoob: But what about the millions of trollars you have made? Wait. We have someone on the line. Hello Miss Troy. you are now on notverygoodnewshour what do you say about the Interdimensional games scam?

Troy: This is what i was talking about Arnoob, I have sat with the people of hell, I have seen the children of hell play, i have seen streams flow, i have seen everything. I hear their cry. They cry for independence. Independence from a flawed system. Democracy has failed. Capitalism has reared it's ugly head in the beautiful land that is hell.

Satan: Errrr. I will have what she is smoking?

Troy: You villainous cur. You *enter complex english word which normal people look up in the dictionary*. Have you listened to laughter of Children? DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER LAUGHTER? *rambles on* *line gets cut*

Satan: What the fuck is *enter complex english word which normal people look up in the dictionary*?

Arnoob: I have no idea. And now we have another caller on line, yes?

Dude: DUDE! HAVE YOU SEEN INCEPTION? BHENCHOOD KYA MOVIE HAI YAAR!

Satan: Who is this?

Dude: ABEYAAR I AM YAAR!

Satan: Go listen to Summer of 69

Arnoob: *cuts line*

Arnoob: Okay. Still. the scam. Explain the money?

Satan: OKAY OKAY. I MADE SOME MONEY OF THE GAMES. YOU KNOW WHY? I MADE A BET WITH GOD! HE SAID THAT I CANNOT PULL OFF A SCAM LIKE RAJA AND KALMADI. ME.

Arnoob: What would happen if you lose the bet?

Satan: That i would take part in Big God 4 with Ram, He who should not be named and the great khali.

Arnoob: That truly is torture.

Satan: Isn't it? And i think I am still running short on scam money

Arnoob: Truly sad. We hope you will give exclusive access to juicy Big God 4 happenings. Thank you satan

Satan: Thank you Arnoob

Arnoob: So that was Satan. Now we go back to our coverage of the president of Uganda and his presidential visit. Sources say that he is one of the actors in the hit movie Who killed captain Alex? Stay tuned.

The end

Heavenly Interview.

A theme which sounds suspiciously like the Imperial March (Darth Vader's theme for all ye Star Wars n00bs) plays followed by the logo of the Times Not Now (TNN) news channel. The chief editor of TNN and overall Commander in Chief of the Indian Armed Forces and also the Chief Justice of India, Arnoob presents the Not News Hour.

Arnoob: Welcome to this very special edition of Not News Hour. Today we are going to discuss a serious issue plaguing modern day Indian society: Gotra and Caste in love. Now today we are going to discuss possibly the first case in history.The accused have tried to cover it up for centuries but the hard working crew at TNN through serious investigative journalism has found out the truth behind the cover-up. We bring you the shocking story: "Were Adam and Eve thrown out of the Garden of Eden because they were from different Gotras?" Joining us today in the studio for the first time, please give a warm welcome for God.

G-man: Thank you Arnoob. It's a pleasure to be...

Arnoob: Yes. Forget the pleasantries. Serious questions are being raised about the legitimacy of your claims that Adam and Eve were thrown out of the garden because they ate the forbidden fruit. Many people have claimed that you have thrown out Adam and Eve and ostracized them for being from two different Gotras, the Dust and the rib gotra.

G-man: Absolutely not. Do I have to repeat the story of Genesis again? it is well documented you know?

Arnoob: *points his pen at God* But our team has found out a different story. Ladies and gentleman, let us hear what the Snake has to tell about his version.

[Video Playback]

Snake: Look man. I am a common snake. I was wandering around the garden looking for some mice. I was passing by the apple tree when I saw God appear. God was like: "I am appalled at your romance in spite of being from different Gotras. I shall smite you now foolish children". After that i got out of Eden before he found me. And then when i came back home, i found out that my name has been tarnished by God here. I told them to eat the fruit? Bollocks. My image was completely ruined. I had to do Jaani Dushman for God's sake to try and improve my image. So i said: The truth must come out. I contacted the TNN team.

[End Playback]

G-man: Lies. Blatant lies.

Arnoob: Maybe. But we asked this questions to various prominent personalities. Here's what they had to say about it.

[Video]

Aroondhati Riot [Prominent Human Rights activist, occasional writer and revolutionist]

Yes Arnoob. I do believe that gross injustice has been done to Adam and Eve. These aboriginal humans were thrown out of the majestic Garden of Eden so that the corporate honchos can movie in and exploit the mineral rich region for their own evil gains. God has sold out. This is not a question of Gotra anymore Arnoob. If you look deep down this is the question of Failure of Democracy. I urge these people to stand up for themselves. Viva la Revoluccccccccccccccccccion!

[End]

G-man: What the fuck! What was...

Arnoob: Imma let you finish God but i should warn you that Miss Riot is rarely wrong. Moving on, we have another guest live from our studio in Kolkata. Good Evening miss Banherjee.

Maomata Banherjee [Part time Railway Minister, Full time Communist hunter and 100% Lethal]

Yesh Arnoob. Pleashure to be on your show.

Arnoob: Miss Banherjee what do you think about the allegations that God had ostracized Adam and Eve for being from different Gotras?

Maomata: Absholutely Ridikulush!

G-man: Thank you! I ..

Maomata: I know phor a phakt that God ijh a commnuneesht. Adam and Eve bhere doing naathing bhen thish ebheel communeesht man threw them out. You shee. Thish ebheel runs in all communeeshts. All communeeshts are ebheel. By the way Arnoob, did you bhote for the TMShee thish sunday??

Arnoob: I don't stay in Kolkata.

Maomata: But Shteel?

Arnoob: *blinks*

G-man: *blinks*

Arnoob: Err... Thank you Miss Banherjee. And now we have another very special guest. Please welcome Lolcat Modi!

Lolcat [Fuhrer of the ILP]

Pleasure to be here Arnoob. Let me clarify one thing. I am here to talk about the truth. You see there was no Gotra involved.

G-man: A Ha!

Arnoob: What do you mean Lolcat?

Lolcat: You see it was me who got Adam and Eve thrown out. God as you know supports Yuvraj XI Punjab as Sreesanth is his favorite son. I approached Adam a place in the Kolkata Ride the Knights squad. After all Eden Gardens is their home ground. I also offered Eve a position as a cheerleader. God got pissed. And the rest is history.

G-man: Lies!

Lolcat: Look i have a 10,001 page document to prove whatever i had done was legal. If you do not believe it God, i will be forced to sue you.

G-man: Satan Dammit!

Arnoob: Right. Looks like we can't prove after all what really happened at the Garden.

G-man: Ahhh!

Arnoob: Erm... So that's all for tonight. Tomorrow another Important debate at Not News Hour. "Did Kasab order Mutton Biriyani or Chicken Biriyani?" Thank you and Good Night!

The End

Chaos in Heaven

Somewhere up in Heaven, two of the most powerful gods, G-man and Brahma have assembled.

G-man: So, are we clear? We are to pitch in a proposal to Lalit Modi that Heaven gets an IPL tea, next season?

Brahma: Yes. I have been personally assured by Lalit that the "Heaven Stairways" shall be there in the IPL-4. Since the earthlings have implied that Sreesanth is God, it is imperative that we, the Gods finally prove once and for all who the Gods are!! We have a reputation to uphold after all.

G-man: But who will own the team?

Brahma: I personally think your son Jesus should be the owner. The sheer merchandising potential will be huge if Jesus agrees. We will decide about the ownership with the other Gods. Apollo said that he can do it as he already has hospitals named after him and all that. The Apsaras have been contacted. They are ready to be the cheerleaders.

G-man: Excellent.

Suddenly Jesus comes barging in.

Jesus: We have a huge problem father.

G-man: What happened my Son?

Jesus: *points the finger at Brahma* St. Peter went to another one of your brother Shiva's parties. He got stoned and was seen watching Apocalypse Now repeatedly and screaming: "Mindfuck ho gya behenchod!"

G-man: Lord! Brahma, keep a leash on Shiva won't you?

Brahma: Look. I tried. Ever since Marley and him got together, he has been unstoppable.

G-man: *to Jesus* So what happened?

Jesus: St. Peter's gat have been left unguarded for a day now.

G-man: Lucifer Damn it!

*Suddenly a voice*


"Hello Gaad! I yam a gaad myan! I come fraam the land of gaad men. you may remember me from such cinematic classics as: Gaad man meets yactress and Gaad man meets yactress part2: Gaads must be crazy. I have been told that i have been called the Paris Hilton of Gaad men. Wilbur Sargunaraj has recorded a song about me called: "Mummy, Daddy, I want a Gaad man" "

G-Man: *facepalms* *Looks at Brahma* Can you do something about this?

Brahma: *nodding all five heads in the negative* Sorry brother. This one is all yours.

G-man: Jesus my boy, take him to the Catholic Priests rehabilitation ward.

Jesus: All right Father *exit Jesus*

Another Voice: You are the one who set the bees on me, the glorious and all powerful Fuhrer of the Dalits. I have this report by my DIG: "How the fuck shall i know who set the motherfucking bees on you crazy woman? Go ask God"

G-man: *blinks twice*

Brahma: Good lord woman! What is that garland? It is larger than the bloody Sand Worms of Arrakis. Wait..... Is that made out of money?

*Bass line of Pink Floyd's Money is heard in the background, Shiva is heard shouting "7/4 FTW!"*

Voice: Yes you God of the evil conspiring Brahmins, it is money. My doting followers have made it for me. Thalaivar of the Dalits i am.

Brahma: *blinks* Shiva, Shiva!!!

Shiva: Yo Bro! Wazzup?

Brahma: Take her to one your parties will you.

Shiva: Cool Bro! I have some wicked weed. Come on lady-man thingy.

Voice: You sure this is not a Brahmanical conspiracy to undermine the Dalits?

Brahma: Just go!

*exit Maya and Shiva*

G-man: Tell me again why we thought it would be fun to create the humans?

Brahma: Because we were bored. Look. If we did not create the humans, would we hear the magical donkey like bray of Rahul Mahajan on national television? Would we ever hear Ravi Shastri give a verbal blowjob to Lalit Modi every single match of the IPL? Would we ever experience Danny Morrison and the double-d's? Could we enjoy Rehman Malik blaming India for his irregular bowel movement? Could we see people giving Dildos to hockey? Could we see #mpartha and #princesssheeba trend on twitter? could we........

G-man: Enough. I get the point. But I still maintain, we would have done better without the humans.

Brahma: Well i like them.

*phone rings*

G-man: Hello? This is the alpha and the omega.

Voice: Hello! We are calling from MRF. You know that MRF is at the forefront of uber cool technology for years.

G-man: You make tires right?

Voice: Yes we do! But we also make exceptional Indian fast bowlers like Sreesanth. And now, we present the wonderful, MRF blimp. Would you, God, want one hanging around in the skies of heaven?

G-man: Why would i want that?

Voice: Look. Danny Morrison swears on his double d's that the MRF blimp is the most uber awesome blimp. Far more uber awesome than the Hindenburg. Or Led Zeppelin for that matter.

G-man: First of all Led Zeppelin is a band. And second tell Danny Morrison to take Shivamani's water beating drum sticks and to shove it up his ass. Good bye.

G-man: Stupid humans.

Brahma: Chill brother. Do you want one of Shiva's special joints?

G-man: I don't smoke thank you.

Brahma: Whatever floats your...... Wait. What the fuck is that atrocious noise?

G-man: Yes. What is that?

Brahma: Narada! Narada!

Narada: Yes my Lord?

Brahma: What is that noise?

Narada: It's music actually... come and see for yourself.

Goes to the scene of the music.

"Yo! Yo! Yo! this is your main man KisenG yo! Who da man brothers? you got it right. It be the Mao"

Brahma: Who is that?

Narada: That is is KisenG. Gangsta rappa and supreme Maoist!

Brahma: *facepalm*

KisenG: Yo! Nigoods!!! Welcome me homie Kobad G. And this be me hoe Arunp-dhati. She be the God of small thing a ding dings Yo!

Brahma: I am going to fucking St. Peter. Then i am going to fucking tell Shiva to do his fucking dance and destroy the humans.

G-man: Told you so.

The End

P.S: In case you want to go all VHP on my ass, no disrespect meant and all that.

P.P.S: I am really bad at ebonics.

Hashtag in Heaven

The holy one, the alpha and the omega, the mighty creator, not the guy who played that guy in Shawshank Redemption, wakes up from a glorious sleep.

There is a knock on his door.

G-Man: Come in.

Gejus: Hello Father!

G-Man: Aaah! Gejus my boy. You come bearing good news?

Gejus: Not exactly father.

G-Man: *Frowns* what happened now?

Gejus: Well, the Earthlings are showing solidarity with Lucifer. They are saying that you have wrongfully thrown him and the other fallen angels out of heaven.

G-Man: What the Fuck! How are they doing this?

Gejus: They are doing through Twitter. Here. Look.

@iamlcfr After millennias i have realized. God has thrown us demons wrongfully out of heaven.

@iamlcfr My sadness knows no bounds. :,(

Gejus: After this tweet went through, one user tweeted,

@oldmonkmgm OMG! Support @iamlcfr guys. Stairway 2 heaven instead of highway 2 hell. #heaven4demons

G-Man: Insolent being. He is going to Hell!

Gejus: Moving on. The #heaven4demons hashtag started trending worldwide. Global citizens joined the movement. The media caught on to this. Gorkha Dutt had a special “Are we the peepul?” show. I heard Gabriel was invited. Arnab Godswami did a “Are demons not safe in Heaven?” special show on TIMES Not NOW. The Ambassador, aka, The Pope was not allowed to speak for 45 minutes in the show. A short story has been written too called: “Aman and Asha” where Aman, the Demon, has hot sex with Asha, the angel. In other words, it is complete chaos. Rehman Malik has even accused that India is behind the “Dastardly” plan to throw Demons out of Heaven.

G-Man: Holy Shit! Get me Satan on the line, his number is 96666-66666.

Gejus: Dials the number and hands the phone to G-Man.

Satan: Hello?

G-Man: It’s me.

Satan: Yo G! What’s up bro?

G-man: Cut the crap Lucifer! What the hell are doing on Twitter?

Satan: He! He! Just playing around with the Earthlings. They are so much fun.

G-Man: Well cut it out. We could do with some positive PR.

Satan: But it’s fun.

G-man: Cut it out, or I am going to post on twitter what you did when you got stoned with Shiva during the Rock in Heaven concert.

Satan: Oh come on! I got a bit too excited after the Supergroup: Grateful and really dead performed. Burton and The Ox on bass, Morrison and Jones on vocals, Hendrix and Darrell on guitars and Bonham and Moon on Drums. That is truly super. Remember that guest Keyboard solo by Wolfgang? I was tripping massively. How was I supposed to know it was Mamata Banerjee next to me? So give me a break.

G-man: Okay. I am a kind and benevolent God after all. So nothing goes on Twitter. But stop this nonsense.

Satan: Okay! Okay! Will do! *Hangs up phone*

Gejus: There is a call on the other line.

G-Man: Who is it?

Gejus: It’s Ramdev. Says he can cure Satan for you. But, you need to pay a shitload of cash.

G-Man: God Dammit!

The End